A few things have happened this week, and I’m in a bit of a dilemma.
Firstly, I found out I have a job interview next week at a school about 2 hours away from where I live now. That’s not an issue at all, I’m happy to move for work, it’s more a feeling of uneasiness about this particular job. It sounds a bit silly to say, but I’m not sure if I want to go to the interview or not because I don’t think I’d like the job. Now obviously I’m probably just being ridiculous, I can’t possibly know how I’d fit in there, I may end up absolutely loving it but I have a funny feeling about it. To go to the interview and not get it would be another major dent in my confidence which is already at an all time low, so I don’t know what to do.
Jobs are few and far between at the moment, and I desperately need one, so I would be shooting myself in the foot if I didn’t go for the interview. I think it’s the fact it’s miles away, the cost of driving there, paying for a hotel, driving back having not been offered the job which is putting me off.
Then, my family approached the dreaded ‘anorexia’ subject with me. They’ve noticed I’m struggling despite my best efforts to stay above water and eat everything that is put in front of me, they’re not stupid, they know everything isn’t as fine as I say it is. I think the fact I’m not at such a low weight as I have been before is wearing thin now, I’m not as bad as I have been, but I’m not where I should be.
So I have made an appointment with a Doctor for next week. It’s a locum Doctor who I’ve not seen before so might be a bit strange giving an overview of myself to a stranger. I’m also not even sure what to say, I don’t know what I want. Obviously I want to fully recover, that goes without saying, it’s just I don’t know what the Doctor can actually do, my contact with ‘professionals’ is very limited so I don’t know what to expect. What are you meant to say? How do you just say to someone ‘I need help…but I don’t know what’?
So that’s the week so far. A bit to think about, and I really don’t know what I’m doing just yet! As much as I need and want a job, I don’t know whether it might be best to ‘sort myself out’ with regards to my eating before I settle down properly into a job so I can concentrate 100% on that. Decisions decisions.
A lovely looking raspberry and choc cake to finish. Yum.
Have your cake and eat it 
Thank you for commenting. I just wanted you to know I’ve been reading your blog, if that’s ok? It sounds like your having a bit of a rough time but I was just so impressed by your relentless love of all things pudding that I thought I’d follow.
It is really hard with doctors sometimes, but I’d say just try and be confident. Doctors are terrible with eating disorders. Make sure you get clear answers from what they can offer and how to get it and how long it takes.
Also, when I asked my psychiatrist about a job, she told me that unless I can give 100% to the job than she believes I’m unfit for work. Also, you shouldn’t work if your bmi is below 17.5, it’s not ok physcially. So my advice would be think about what you need to be happy and well. If there’s a dream job, take it. Don’t take something that might make you feel worse.
I like your blog style by the way. Lots of good complaining and ranting. Plus obvs the pudding. x.
Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I really wasn’t sure what I’m meant to say at the appointment next week, so you’ve definitely given me something to approach them with and I think something like your recovery plan is something I definitely need, so I’ll broach the subject of a dietician with the GP. Did they offer you an appointment with one or did you ask?
As for the job, the whole ‘fitness to work’ was something I was wondering about. For teaching we have to declare any illnesses and factors which may prevent you from working so I am scared if I go and see the Doctor, they will say I’m not fit to teach. In which case, I’m buggered. But I have withdrawn from the interview which was scheduled for next week. With the impending GP appointment, and the fact I wasn’t convinced it was the job for me, I thought it was best to sort myself out first.
Really enjoying your blog, so much you say strikes a chord with me and how I feel/react to things so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! x