The title would explain how I am feeling at the moment.
I’m in limbo. I’m no longer classed as anorexic (woooo!), but don’t feel fully ‘recovered’ so I’m at an in-between stage.
I’m also treading water in relation to my job. We have had a change in management recently and there has been a lot of upheaval, we had a huge clear out and the school is beginning to have a bit of a freshen up. That’s the good thing. Also, the new Head Teacher seemed to really like my classroom, she commented on some of the great things going on in my class and told other members of staff to come to my class for ideas. She seems very clued up and she acknowledges when people have made an effort and thanks people for their work.
However, that was before she saw me teach! Oh dear. I had an observation on Wednesday and ‘terrible’ is the only way to describe it. Truly horrible. So much so, the Head Teacher took over half way through and taught a bit which left me floundering. My confidence is below zero. I honestly didn’t have a clue how to continue with the lesson when it had been made clear it wasn’t up to scratch and I couldn’t wait for break time! During that lesson 3 children ended up in tears for various reasons and I wasn’t far off joining them. The feedback I received wasn’t as bad as I expected but she basically said I need to be mentored….
ERM, I KNOW! I’m newly qualified, I am meant to have weekly meetings with a mentor who is monitoring progress and identifying areas for improvement but none of this has happened. I haven’t had any meetings, I have been left to my own devices since September dreading the day when I get ‘found out’. Well, seems I’ve been found out. I have been asking for support since September and not received it, hopefully now I will.
We also have a school wide inspection next week from the Local Education Authority and it’s all a bit mental. A lot of stress and pressure because we will be judged on it so that’s just adding to the ARGHHHHHHH feelings going on at the moment!
I feel close to snapping.
Food wise, it’s ok I think. I had an appointment with the Dietician over half term and she was happy with progress and doesn’t need to see me again. I don’t feel ‘fixed’ though! It’s frustrating. I eat every 2 hours, I eat what other people would consider ‘fear foods’ daily, I eat more than enough to keep me going but I don’t feel normal. I know I eat too much crap in the evening, and I know I’m still scared to have butter on my sandwich even though I will eat 3 chocolate bars after dinner which have more fat in. There is no logic to my fears at all and it’s frustrating.
I think I have regained the tiny bit of weight I lost when I started at work (+ a bit more), and to be honest I couldn’t go back to restricting even if I wanted to. I’m a creature of habit, my habit is now eating at least every 2 hours and carrying a stash of cereal bars everywhere I go just in case. I’m not in danger any more, but still feel a bit wobbly in a way I can’t even explain. It’s as if there’s something not quite right, but I don’t know what it is, or how to fix it. I suppose it’s a good thing that my response to stress isn’t restrict my food, if anything it’s turned into overeating (but that’s a whole other blog post!)
Just thought I should post to say I’m still here, reading people’s posts as often as I can and plodding along with this recovery business! Other than work stress, things are ok. Just ok. I hope to post sometime saying things are ‘GREAT!!!!’, fingers crossed.