Things aren’t exactly rosy at home at the moment, it feels impossible to stay here much longer without cracking up.
I simply can’t deal with being around my Mum now. Another argument ensued yesterday afternoon, I won’t bore you with the details but needless to say there is a less than cheerful atmosphere in our house. I basically poured my heart out, and in 1-2 minutes managed to spew out things which have been playing on my mind and keeping me awake with worry – the response? She shut off. No acceptance, no denial, no nothing. Just blankness. Silence.
I hate this.
I can’t stay in this house and watch what happened to me, happen to her. I told her exactly this and got absolutely no comeback whatsoever so I’m at a loss.
There’s nothing I can do or say to make it click with her, and I will now just have to bite my tongue but I can’t live here and watch it happen.
The desire to restrict has been enormously strong since yesterday. I usually use situations like this as an opportunity to eat more to prove a point to my family and myself, but I can’t remember the last time I felt the urge to shut off and restrict like this. It’s been a long long time. I’ve already substituted my morning snack for a crappy low cal cereal bar which tasted of cardboard and I knew exactly what I was doing when I chose it.
To top it off, it’s Dad’s Birthday today so we’re playing ‘happy families’ and going out for dinner tonight. Fun fun fun. Not. I can’t pretend everything is find when it’s clearly not whereas Mum acted as if nothing had happened in front of my Dad when we ate last night, and I was silent so clearly I’m the bad guy. The moody daughter. Again. I’m yet again hibernating in my room to avoid crossing paths with Mum as she’s off work today.
I need to find a way of coping with stress and other stuff which still involves eating proper food. The strength of the urge to restrict really surprised and shocked me, it was literally the first thing to come in to my head “you’ll not eat anything after dinner tonight…”. I didn’t give in and restrict yesterday at all, in fact I did the opposite, but today I’m not strong enough. The last thing I want to do tonight is go out and pretend everything is fine ‘n’ dandy. It isn’t.