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I know what I need to do.  I feel like such a hypocrite, in that I can easily give other people advice, see their progress, admire and envy how well they’re doing – and yet when it comes to me, I can’t seem to follow my own advice.

  • I need to change my habits.
  • I need to stop being so anti social, stop avoiding friends and making excuses not to see people.
  • I need to stop having small breakfasts, lunches and snacks in order to stuff my face in the evening when friends/family can see me eat.
  • I need to stop looking at the calorie content of food packages and reading restaurant menus so find something ‘safe’.
  • I need to concentrate 100% on teaching, and learning more about successful planning and assessment because I feel as if my course hasn’t prepared me enough to be a ‘proper’ teacher (or more likely, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of food).
  • I need to stop feeling guilty when I have a decent lunch even though there was nobody there to see me and believe me.
  • I need to start putting butter/spread on my bread, crumpets, muffins and scones instead of jam or honey.
  • I need to stop being scared of the words ‘butter sauce’ or ‘creamily prepared’ on restaurant menus.

There’s loads more, but that’s more than enough to be going on with!

I tried harder yesterday.  Had breakfast, Pitta Bread with Tuna and Salad, then a banana for lunch instead of just a muffin or a couple of crumpets even though there was nobody there to see me, so I could have ‘got away’ with eating less.  Apple before tea, then we had a takeaway in the evening.  Although I was stuffed after our dinner, I still had a scone and then a piece of Dark Giant Toblerone afterwards.  I know that’s not a massive amount of food. But I struggle with the pressure of carrying on eating even though I’m stuffed.  I have got so used to going to sleep with a massively full stomach it’s the norm for me now.  I seem to just eat and eat and eat after dinner when my family are there so they can see that I do eat.  This needs to change, I need to spread it out throughout the day and not leave having breakfast until 10.30 so I’ll be able to go until 1.30 before I have lunch.  It’s the timings and routine of it all I need to snap out of.

This week has been odd in general.  I’ve withdrawn from the interview next week, I’m not convinced I can concentrate on teaching and that job just wasn’t for me.  Plus, with the Doctors Appointment coming up my mind is preoccupied with that so I’d have done terribly at interview anyway.

Also, I haven’t been to the gym at all this week.  Few reasons – Mum has been off work and I feel like if she sees me go to the gym it will fuel her suspicions more and she’ll be even more worried.  Secondly, because I made the GP appointment, I don’t want to lose any weight before I get there and get weighed.  Basically, I don’t want him/her to prove my weight is too low – so by eating lots this week and not leaving the house I’m hoping at least a few pounds will have gone on?!  I thought I’d feel really guilty not doing any exercise, but I don’t.  I suppose that’s the one benefit of being so damn lazy for the past 10 years and not exercising, I’m well suited to being a slob.  When I do go to the Doctors, I’m going to ask them if exercise is ok and if so, how much?  How often?  What kind of exercise?  I want to do enough to keep myself fit and strong, but not too much to lose weight and I have no idea.  At least then I will be able to go to the gym without feeling like I have to hide it from friends and family, so they know I’ll be going for the right reasons and not to burn calories.

We’re going to a gig tonight and heading out for a meal before hand and shock horror I don’t know where we’re going!  This rarely happens, I usually book the restaurant but we’re going to find somewhere to eat later which I’m kind of dreading.  I’m picturing the scene, walking past tens of restaurant windows scanning the menus with 3/4 of the people liking the look of it – and the remaining 1/4 (me) trying to justify my excuse as to why I don’t want to eat there (i.e – there is no pasta without cream, or the dishes all have cheese).  Eurgh.  We’ll see how it goes.

As I don’t know where we’ll be eating tonight, I don’t know what pudding I would choose,  because it’s pretty cold outside perhaps something like this blueberry crumble and ice cream.  In fact, that’s definitely what I want.  Just need to find a restaurant which serves it!