Time to wish a belated Merry Christmas to you all!
Generally, I love Christmas, although this year has been a bit odd. I remember in previous years, I’ve gone way overboard on Christmas Day in the way of eating anything and everything in sight until I felt (but wasn’t actually) physically sick. I always used the Christmas period to completely let go, and I wouldn’t have any guilt about eating whatever I wanted. This year has been different in that I tried to have at least some level of self control. To my parents, this has been a bad thing. For me personally, I think it has been good. Don’t get me wrong I have certainly indulged, and eaten chocolate/cake/general Christmas rubbish but I haven’t gone completely crazy with it. A quick summary of Christmas Day munchies:
Smoked Salmon & cream cheese blinis for breakfast (I had 6, which is less than I’ve had in the past and I was maybe too stingy with the cream cheese but cream/cheesy stuff is still a major issue for me). Snacked on some dried fruit I’d got for Christmas, figs/apricots etc before lunch. For starter we usually have prawn cocktail (very 70’s retro!) with marie rose sauce but we had melon this year. This was really good for me, it’s completely safe and felt like a dessert rather than a starter! Definitely a compromise made by the fam I think, they would probably have preferred prawn cocktail or something a bit more substantial. The thing I love about Christmas Dinner is it’s the one meal of the year where we’re ‘allowed’ to serve ourselves. Mum usually dishes out the meals (another sticking point for me as she gives herself teeny portions and mine are too big), but at Christmas, all the bits & bobs go in bowls in the middle of the table & we dig in.
I liked this, because I could pick as much as I wanted and/or felt comfortable with but made sure to choose the ‘right’ amount – that is, enough to please me and my parents. I chose the 3 biggest roasties (everyone else likes the small crispier ones but they always seem too greasy for me & don’t actually have any potato in them, just oil), 4 roast parsnips (I love parsnips although I hate how they’re practically deep fried in the oil), chicken (not turkey this year!), stuffing, broccoli/carrots/green beans/baby sweetcorn and gravy. Twas beautiful! My plate was piled high but because I’d chosen to put that much on I was fine with it. For dessert, we had Toffee Pavlova which we’ve had before. It’s lovely, but the cream which is swirled throughout it really stresses me out. I secretly, ridiculously, scraped some (but not all) of it out. I had mine with chocolate ice cream while the rest of the family had single cream with theirs. Why can’t I cope with cream?! Stupid.
In the evening, I ate some Roses chocolates (a Christmas staple), a big Gingerbread reindeer I’d bought from Sayers on Christmas Eve, a Lindt chocolate bell and 2 satsumas. I felt full, but not too full. I didn’t feel like I’d completely lost control (although maybe a little bit after the Lindt).
Since then, it’s been odd. Mum and I are going to erupt soon I just know it. She is leaving more and more of her food, and I can’t cope with forcing myself to eat more when people around me are eating less. I know this is stupid, and it’s my recovery I should be focussed on. The sensible part of me knows this, but the ED side of my brain sees it as a weakness if people are eating less than me after all, that’s what I’m good at right? This really isn’t the way to be thinking. I need to concentrate on how I can eat more without feeling guilty that other people are eating less. I’m just not sure how to do it.
We went out for dinner last night, and the food I’d ordered wasn’t what I expected which caused a mini panic (privately) but I ate it. I thought I’d ordered little bits of sliced Moroccan Pork but what appeared was a bloody huge Pork Chop with the big fatty bit on the edge! I cut that bit off and ate the rest. For pud, I had an apple & raspberry crumble and ice cream which ended up having shit loads of nuts on top – another mini private panic. Mum didn’t finish her pudding so I ate it. Yet another thing which I hate that I do. It’s so disordered, I’m worried that Mum is eating less, restricting my own food as a result and yet will still eat food off her plate? WHY?! So weirdly frustrating. When we got back I had some more roses chocolates which I still feel guilty about now. I was full, why eat more?
Today has been another day of tension. I won’t blab about it all now, basically because it’s boring. A bit about tonight though, when we had Spaghetti & Meatballs for dinner. As I said before, Mum usually dishes up & puts the dinner on the table but tonight, she dished up 4 plates and took hers to the table and shouted for us to get ours from the Kitchen. To anyone else this won’t seem significant at all, but it’s a change in the routine we’ve had for 20 odd years! I didn’t want to be seen comparing the portion sizes of the remaining 3 plates in the kitchen so just picked up the first one – and ended up with 11 bloody meatballs on my plate as well as a mound of Spaghetti. Now, I know this is pot luck, but I went instantly anxious and annoyed that I’d picked that one and knew it was too late to swap. There was no way I’d get away with palming some of my meatballs off on anyone else, but there’s no way on earth there were 44 meatballs to start with (meaning equal portions), so how the fuck did I end up with 11?! I swear Mum had between 4-5. I was silent throughout the meal and I’m now hibernating in my room. I know it’s going to kick off soon. I don’t know how soon, but I doubt it will be too long.
We cracked open the home made Christmas cake on Boxing Day as well, and it’s bloody lovely! Take a peek:
Aside from food based shenanigans, I’ve decided to attempt “project 365”. I can’t believe I’d never heard of it before, I must have been living under a rock for the past 10 years, but I read a bit about it and really like the sound of it. I like photography (despite a complete lack of a decent camera and any talent), and I like the thought of being able to look back on a whole year. This blog is useful to track how I’ve felt at certain times, but it’s often hard to keep on track with posting. People’s aims for a project 365 vary, some people choose to take a photograph of an aspect of nature every day, others take a picture of the food they’ve eaten, but I’m not planning on being that specific or restricted. I’ve also read that it can be really difficult to find something different to take a picture of every day if you’ve not done an awful lot – which is generally what every day is like in my world so I’m hoping it will encourage me to take a look around. Open my eyes a bit and seek things out. Who knows if I’ll stick to it, I’d really like to give it a go though. I’m uploading my photos on tumblr as well as using an app on my phone called My 365. I’m wary of posting photos on here because of the things I talk about I’d prefer to keep my anonymity, but here’s the first 5 days worth of photos:
Day 1 – Christmas Eve Tree (top of photo/tree chopped off)
Day 2 – Christmas Day (a blurry photo of my Dog when I attached a bow to his collar – he wasn’t happy!Day 3 – Boxing Day (Photo of the Christmas Cake)
Day 4 – Driving through the tunnel
Day 5 – Muddy Puddles
The one thing my Christmas certainly has not been full of, is drunken cheer. I really need to sort this out. I don’t leave the house other than to go shopping or something, and honestly don’t think there’s anyone I could just call up to see if they fancied going out for a drink. That’s pathetic. Possibly an aim for the New Year. (Goes without saying – I’ll not be going out on NYE!) Overall, Christmas has been ok. Not the best, but not the worst either. Two of my friends bought me baking books, although at the moment I’m not feeling brave enough to tackle the recipes because the fat/calories/buttercream factor is a bit scary!
I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and you are all full of festive cheer 🙂 Some tasty looking festive food to sign off with (I couldn’t pick just one, Christmas baking recipes all look so good!)