, , , , , , , , , , ,

I feel I’ve grown a lot this past year.

Having been at a healthy weight for around about a year now, a lot has changed in a positive way.  That’s not to say I don’t still have my struggles, because I do, but I would say I’m happier now than I was a year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago…etc back until the onset of anorexia.

Although I do think it’s better to look forward, I think it’s equally important to look back just to see how much progress has been made and even in the tough times when everything feels impossible, things are better now.  I’ve already done a recap post a while ago about the changes in my life, but I thought I’d do a quick post on the latest change.

Got myself a boyfriend!  It’s the guy I met a while ago, we’ve seen each other every weekend since we met and now it’s “official”.  Weird.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a boyfriend so it all feels a bit strange to me, but it’s nice.  He’s bought me out of myself, given me (a little) bit of confidence and we’ve done more these past few months than I have for the past few years!  Only silly things like cinema etc, but it’s just nice to be out of the house.

I am still horribly self conscious though.  It’s driving me absolutely mad and I’m sure it’s going to get on his nerves too, if it hasn’t already.  I’m so nervous and pathetic with physical contact because of the crap that goes on in my brain…”he thinks you’re flabby, eurgh he’s got hold of the cellulite on your thighs!  Rank.  He must be really disappointed with the lack of boobage now the deceptive bra has gone!”…etc etc etc.

Seriously, I annoy myself.

There’s no ‘fix’ for this either.  It’s my stupid brain which won’t shut up, and no matter what anybody says it won’t change the way I feel about myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not the size of a house, but I’m a lot flabbier, lumpy and bumpy than I’d like to be.  I also know the alternative is not an option, I need to stay healthy.

Other than that, it’s the same stress at work, except a bit more of it now my class are being targeted to make progress to boost them in-line with national averages.  Realistically, it’s not going to happen because there’s far too much going on in those children’s lives for them to worry about bloody school – at the same time it kills me that I can’t fix everything for them and make everything ok!  I don’t think I’ll ever be on top of the workload, but I really really want these children to succeed and I need to give it everything for the next 3 months.  It’s not as easy as that though, especially now I have another interest in my life!  Getting a decent work/life balance is not going to be easy but I’ll give it a shot.

Right, about time I got off the laptop and did some work…