Developments.

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So, quite a bit has happened in the months since I last posted so will write a quick update.  I like to look back over old posts occasionally to see how I was feeling at certain times, sometimes it’s nice to realise that progress has been made despite it not always seeming that way.

Starting with work.  I got offered a permanent contract at the school I work at which I accepted, so I’ll be a Year 3 teacher next year :).  Huge relief to have that off my mind and to know that I don’t have to job search and stress about lack of money.  This also means I can stay living at the flat as I’ll still have an income.

Our school had a visit by the scary school inspectors 2 weeks before the end of term – really not ideal timing.  But – it went really well!  I was observed twice and got graded good and outstanding which was a pleasant surprise.  The inspector said it’s rare for a Newly Qualified Teacher to be graded outstanding so I was pretty damn proud of myself haha.  I was nervous as hell but shouldn’t have been really, the inspectors were both really nice.

I said good bye to my first ‘proper’ class last week, it was a tough year and a very steep learning curve but I will kind of miss those little monsters!  My class next year isn’t as tough, there are more of them but not as many external issues so I might be able to concentrate on actually teaching them rather than attempting crowd control.

Other news – my parents have sold ‘our’ house.  I lived there for 26 years which is most of my life so it’s quite sad that I’ll not be going home anymore, I’ll be going to Mum & Dad’s new place.  Weird.  They have bought a flat by the sea which is something Mum has dreamed about forever, so I’m really glad they’ve finally decided (and been able) to do it.  It all happened pretty quickly, they had bought a flat and put our house up for sale within 2 weeks, first people to view it bought it so they’ve been pretty lucky!  Will be weird saying bye to that house, but a fresh start will be good for everyone.

Other news #2 – I’m still with the guy, and we’re heading off on holiday next week for 2 weeks in the Carribbean!  Oh.  My.  I’ve never been anywhere like that before, not even been out of Europe so I’m unbelievably excited!  We’re going all inclusive so I’ve got to try not to get stressed/overwhelmed by the food situation and just enjoy myself.  Despite being convinced otherwise, I still haven’t regained the little bit of weight I lost after beginning my job so this will be the chance to.  All those cocktails!  Cannot WAIT!  Things are going well with him, he’s moved to his sisters which is only 20 mins away so we can see more of each other now.  He doesn’t know about the ED, and I would like to tell him eventually, but on the other hand I don’t want him to feel pressurised and like he has to tread on egg shells around me.  I don’t want him to worry about doing/saying the wrong thing or be scared to offer certain foods – at the moment I like that I’m ‘normal’ with him.  (Apart from diet talk, I still find that super tough listening to people talk about their holiday diets while I’m trying to push against that).

Other news #3 – I had an appointment with a CBT woman a couple of weeks ago, just to see what it’s like.  She seems nice and said we can start to break some of those barriers I talked about so long ago, some have been dealt with but others haven’t and to be honest – I need a final kick up the arse to get this ED gone for good.  It’s nowhere near as strong as it was, but there is still a niggle and I need to get it dealt with or I risk being semi-recovered forever.  I have an appointment after my hols and will see what the plan is then, depending on how much weight I gain.  I just find it hard to justify gaining weight when my BMI is healthy, even though I know it’s better for those with ED to push it higher to really drive it into remission.  I know that, I just find it hard to accept it!

 

 

 

Growing Up.

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I feel I’ve grown a lot this past year.

Having been at a healthy weight for around about a year now, a lot has changed in a positive way.  That’s not to say I don’t still have my struggles, because I do, but I would say I’m happier now than I was a year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago…etc back until the onset of anorexia.

Although I do think it’s better to look forward, I think it’s equally important to look back just to see how much progress has been made and even in the tough times when everything feels impossible, things are better now.  I’ve already done a recap post a while ago about the changes in my life, but I thought I’d do a quick post on the latest change.

Got myself a boyfriend!  It’s the guy I met a while ago, we’ve seen each other every weekend since we met and now it’s “official”.  Weird.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a boyfriend so it all feels a bit strange to me, but it’s nice.  He’s bought me out of myself, given me (a little) bit of confidence and we’ve done more these past few months than I have for the past few years!  Only silly things like cinema etc, but it’s just nice to be out of the house.

I am still horribly self conscious though.  It’s driving me absolutely mad and I’m sure it’s going to get on his nerves too, if it hasn’t already.  I’m so nervous and pathetic with physical contact because of the crap that goes on in my brain…”he thinks you’re flabby, eurgh he’s got hold of the cellulite on your thighs!  Rank.  He must be really disappointed with the lack of boobage now the deceptive bra has gone!”…etc etc etc.

Seriously, I annoy myself.

There’s no ‘fix’ for this either.  It’s my stupid brain which won’t shut up, and no matter what anybody says it won’t change the way I feel about myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not the size of a house, but I’m a lot flabbier, lumpy and bumpy than I’d like to be.  I also know the alternative is not an option, I need to stay healthy.

Other than that, it’s the same stress at work, except a bit more of it now my class are being targeted to make progress to boost them in-line with national averages.  Realistically, it’s not going to happen because there’s far too much going on in those children’s lives for them to worry about bloody school – at the same time it kills me that I can’t fix everything for them and make everything ok!  I don’t think I’ll ever be on top of the workload, but I really really want these children to succeed and I need to give it everything for the next 3 months.  It’s not as easy as that though, especially now I have another interest in my life!  Getting a decent work/life balance is not going to be easy but I’ll give it a shot.

Right, about time I got off the laptop and did some work…

Getting away.

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A rare positive post from me today!

I had a great bank holiday weekend and managed to do absolutely nothing school/work related which has provided a much needed break.  Most of it has been spent with the guy.  Feel free to skip over the following blurb which is basically a recap of the weekend!

Friday, he picked me up in the morning and we drove into the mountains and had some pub grub (scary eat #1).  Next we went for a quick stroll around the castle walls in another town, before driving out to the coast and a game of crazy golf which I lost miserably!  Got back to his and had a few beers while he cooked a lovely curry with rice & chips (scary eat #2) for us followed by more beers and lots of chocolate.  He was going to drive me back home but the lure of more beer was too much so I ended up staying over at his.

He cooked fried bacon & egg on toast with butter (VERY scary eat #3!) for breakfast before heading out for another drive towards my house.  We went for coffee and then ended up at a stately home going for a tour(!)  Very odd, but I really enjoyed it being a History geek at heart and it was good to do something different for a change.  We had coffee & cake there (scary eat #4) before driving further afield in search of ice cream.  We ended up at a big farm in the middle of nowhere (or so it seemed to me!) and had a giant chocolate waffle cone of butterscotch ice cream which was yuuuuuuuum (not as scary eat #5).  Finally headed back to mine about 6pm and grabbed some food for dinner (not my choice and therefore scary eat #6).  He left just after 9pm and I went straight to bed because although we’d spent a lot of the weekend driving I was shattered!

We had no plans to meet again immediately, until he text on Sunday morning asking if I wanted to drive over to his?  Well, I was torn.  I was speaking to my friend and saying ‘is it not a bit weird to have seen him 5 times in 7 days?  Should I make an excuse?’ – she talked some sense into me and told me to basically stop being silly and although yes, it might be quite odd, what’s the alternative?  Spend Easter Sunday sat in doing planning and assessments?  Erm – no comparison!  I headed over to his on Sunday where he cooked for me again(!) and we stocked up on beers and got a wee bit drunk.  As he lives in the centre of his town, we headed out for some more drinks (even though I was horribly under-dressed in jeans & a t-shirt while all the girls were tarted up like you would not believe!).  Had a few more drinks and a bit of a dance, then headed back to his.  Woke stupidly early on Monday with a slight hangover but not too bad, nothing another fried bacon & egg buttie didn’t solve!  I haven’t eaten bacon properly for years (only very occasionally), it became an irrational fear food and while my family would have grilled bacon sandwiches (fat removed, may I add) I would always decline…now here I am with proper fried stuff, with fat, dripping in butter :o.  Scary.

Monday was a lazy day.  We had a DVD marathon and basically stayed on the couch and ate all day.  He cooked lunch and dinner (which included a lot more scary stuff, like lots of mayonnaise which I used to love and then became scared of for no reason). Yesterday I realised that mayo isn’t scary, it’s actually quite tasty.  We polished off a large bar of malteaser chocolate (which if you haven’t tried yet, do!  It’s like malteasers but with more choc) and I drove back to mine about 9ish.

Overall a weird but good weekend.  I do like him, but I’m still incredibly nervous and self concious which just kind of wrecks it for me and surely will for him too.  I’m my own worst enemy and biggest critic so getting comfortable with him is hard despite his reassurances.  He text when I got back saying he really enjoyed spending the weekend with me etc etc and we’ve made plans to meet up on Sunday before work takes over my life and I become a hermit again.  Today, I really should be catching up on a lot of work which I haven’t done these past few days but I really can’t be bothered.  My motivation is zero and my mind is wandering elsewhere!

So that’s the update of my weekend.  I’m glad I faced some fears, and the disordered side of me was hidden from him.  It felt nice to be normal and be able to match him with the food and not have to make excuses/alterations to please the eating disorder “Can I have mine without xxx please, I don’t like it” became “Yeah go for it, whatever”.  Although I’ve been a healthy weight for coming up to a year now, I’ve still managed to not let go completely (through avoiding butter & mayo for example) but now I can scratch those off the list.  Result.  It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time and thought I’d blog about it before I disappear under a mountain of work for the next 7 weeks of term 😦

Branching out.

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It’s food/recovery/work/life update time!

So, it’s the Easter holidays at last.  Last term was very short but also a pretty difficult one.  There is extra pressure from all sides for attainment to improve and with a lack of resources/staff/time, it’s just not possible.  Since my contract is only for 1 year, I think it’s safe to say it will not be renewed because the children in my class have not made the expected progress.  I honestly don’t know how much more I can do, I feel as if every minute is spent thinking about school, planning, assessing, making resources, more planning etc etc.  There’s something which has been playing on my mind a lot, and that’s whether this teaching malarkey is really for me.

I love teaching, I really do.  Being with the kids is brilliant and even though they’re a tough bunch to teach – they make me laugh and I enjoy it.  I don’t enjoy the constant scrutiny, the petty disagreements (between children/parents/staff) and the ridiculous amount of paper work, the lack of work/life balance and so on.  If, as I assume, my contract is not renewed at this school I have been thinking of taking a bit of time to travel or something because it’s something I have never really done.  I don’t know if a job in a different school would even help, because the extra pressure would still be there regardless.  I suppose it’s not worth worrying about until I’m actually told whether I have a job or not, then I’ll have to make a decision.

There is going to be another change in school next term too and I’m not sure how it’ll work out.  Apparently, some random woman has been appointed to cover our planning time but when she’s not covering classes, she’ll be “team teaching” in my class.  I’m not sure what team teaching is, but I can’t help but feel like a completely crap teacher because somebody has been bought in to basically teach me how to teach.  Confidence levels were at an all time low even before I found that information out, now they’ve sunk even lower.  14 weeks of teaching to go.  So the count down begins.

Work moan over.

In other news, I’ve been on a couple of dates with a guy these past few weeks and it seems to be going quite well!  Actually, it was going well until I beat him in a game of pool and also bowling yesterday…I don’t think he expected me to be as competitive as I am haha.  He’s offered to take me out for the day on Friday and then cook a Thai Red Curry for me in the evening, I’m not going to turn the offer of home made food as opposed to my usual microwave meal dinner!  He lives about an hour away though which is a bit of a pain, so we’ve been meeting half way so far to make it easier but I’ll be seeing his place on Friday.  I think I like him, but it’s weird.  This probably won’t make any sense but I’m not sure if I do actually like him, or, I just want him to like me?  I know that sounds weird, but I don’t want to blow it or I’ll feel like an idiot even though I’m not sure how much I like him (physically, not personality wise because he’s a nice bloke).  Who knows if it’ll end up going anywhere, but at the moment it’s nice to have somebody to talk to other than 8/9 year old children!

Food seems to be fine lately, I’ve gained the bit back I’d lost last year I think (mensies are back woop woop!) and possibly a bit more because my jeans are snug.  I have an appointment with the Dr next week so I’ll find out for sure.  Food isn’t playing on my mind though, and he’s chosen the restaurants when we’ve eaten out so I haven’t been worried about choosing the one with ‘safe’ food or anything.  Perhaps my mind is full of school stress that there’s no room for food stress too!  I wouldn’t say my mind is totally ok, far from it, but I’m trying not to over think things and agonise over making decisions each snack/meal and it’s ok.

I hope to start posting more often because I do miss it, and I miss being able to read all your blogs too!  This is where the work/life balance needs to be addressed.

Treading water.

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The title would explain how I am feeling at the moment.

I’m in limbo.  I’m no longer classed as anorexic (woooo!), but don’t feel fully ‘recovered’ so I’m at an in-between stage.

I’m also treading water in relation to my job.  We have had a change in management recently and there has been a lot of upheaval, we had a huge clear out and the school is beginning to have a bit of a freshen up.  That’s the good thing.  Also, the new Head Teacher seemed to really like my classroom, she commented on some of the great things going on in my class and told other members of staff to come to my class for ideas.  She seems very clued up and she acknowledges when people have made an effort and thanks people for their work.

However, that was before she saw me teach!  Oh dear.  I had an observation on Wednesday and ‘terrible’ is the only way to describe it.  Truly horrible.  So much so, the Head Teacher took over half way through and taught a bit which left me floundering.  My confidence is below zero.  I honestly didn’t have a clue how to continue with the lesson when it had been made clear it wasn’t up to scratch and I couldn’t wait for break time!  During that lesson 3 children ended up in tears for various reasons and I wasn’t far off joining them.  The feedback I received wasn’t as bad as I expected but she basically said I need to be mentored….

ERM, I KNOW!  I’m newly qualified, I am meant to have weekly meetings with a mentor who is monitoring progress and identifying areas for improvement but none of this has happened.  I haven’t had any meetings, I have been left to my own devices since September dreading the day when I get ‘found out’.  Well, seems I’ve been found out.  I have been asking for support since September and not received it, hopefully now I will.

We also have a school wide inspection next week from the Local Education Authority and it’s all a bit mental.  A lot of stress and pressure because we will be judged on it so that’s just adding to the ARGHHHHHHH feelings going on at the moment!

rope

I feel close to snapping.

Food wise, it’s ok I think.  I had an appointment with the Dietician over half term and she was happy with progress and doesn’t need to see me again.  I don’t feel ‘fixed’ though!  It’s frustrating.  I eat every 2 hours, I eat what other people would consider ‘fear foods’ daily, I eat more than enough to keep me going but I don’t feel normal.  I know I eat too much crap in the evening, and I know I’m still scared to have butter on my sandwich even though I will eat 3 chocolate bars after dinner which have more fat in.  There is no logic to my fears at all and it’s frustrating.

I think I have regained the tiny bit of weight I lost when I started at work (+ a bit more), and to be honest I couldn’t go back to restricting even if I wanted to.  I’m a creature of habit, my habit is now eating at least every 2 hours and carrying a stash of cereal bars everywhere I go just in case.  I’m not in danger any more, but still feel a bit wobbly in a way I can’t even explain.  It’s as if there’s something not quite right, but I don’t know what it is, or how to fix it.  I suppose it’s a good thing that my response to stress isn’t restrict my food, if anything it’s turned into overeating (but that’s a whole other blog post!)

Just thought I should post to say I’m still here, reading people’s posts as often as I can and plodding along with this recovery business!  Other than work stress, things are ok.  Just ok.  I hope to post sometime saying things are ‘GREAT!!!!’, fingers crossed.

Same old, same old.

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It’s been a while since my last post, I apologise for that and for my lack of comments on other blogs.

I suppose everyone is already sick of hearing that we have a rare bit of snow in the UK so obviously, the whole country has gone mental – we really cannot cope with extremes of any sort.  Our school asked children to be collected at 1pm yesterday because of it (although some of my class were still waiting to be collected at 2.15) and I left about 3.15 which was nice :).  I haven’t been out in it though really, freeeeezing!  Here’s the obligatory snow photo from my living room:

Snow

Quick recap of how the past month has been.  Ok really!  Christmas was great, NYE might as well not exist, and otherwise life is as uneventful as always (other than work) and I’m still plodding along.  I read over some of my posts from last year this morning and I must admit I did smile a bit.  I remember all too well the feelings of fatness/fullness/general recovery bleugh and I can honestly say it was all worth it.  I wouldn’t have the job I do, I wouldn’t be living where I do, and I would be a hell of a lot colder in this weather if I were a few stone lighter! Haha.

That’s not to say I don’t sometimes feel uncomfortable with my new bod, because I do, but I know that’s just the disorder.  I doubt many people would look at me and say/think the things I do about myself, I suppose those with eating disorders are often their own worst critics.  I had an appointment with the Dietitian after work last week and we decided/she told me to up my breakfast and snacks a bit to keep in line with being on my feet at school.  I have gained a bit of weight since my last appointment but could probably do with a little bit more.  I’m “healthy” according to the BMI malarkey, but a little bit more weight wouldn’t do any harm.  (Well, it would to my mind, but not to my body).

I still have a way to go with the socialising side of things.  My friend came to visit just after New Year and we went out for a meal and some drinks, which turned into a full on night out and getting home just before 5am…yeah, I can’t do that every weekend it took me bloody ages to recover!  BUT, I had an ace night and danced like a moron without a care (just like the good old days).  I want more of those days.  There’s still the self consiousness which holds me back though, and the doubting thoughts of whether I should even go out in the first place.  It’s a collegues birthday party in a couple of weeks and although I’ve put my name down on the list to go (we’re getting a coach) – I already have my bail out plan all hatched.  I hate how anti social I am.  Even at work I don’t sit in the staff room, I eat my lunch in class while marking books.  It’s not that people in work aren’t nice, they are, but I feel like an idiot who always says the wrong thing so would rather not say anything at all.  They probably all think I’m a snotty cow.

There has been a change in management at school since we started back and there are BIG changes happening, hopefully for the better.  Things will be getting even more stressful though because we’re really under scrutiny from the Local Education Authority at the moment so I need to keep on my toes.  I therefore need to keep my self properly fed :).

I asked for a casserole dish for Christmas so I have started cooking a few bits and bobs to help my finances because ready meals are really bloomin’ expensive, and I really want to learn to cook properly.  Perhaps when I’m off for half term I’ll have more time to practice.  This school term is shorter than the last (thankfully!) so we now only have 4 weeks to go.  I’m on countdown!

I have been keeping up with blog reading as best I can, but have missed more than I’d like so should just say a big HELLO to those bloggers and hope everyone is well xx

 

Aaaaand breathe.

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Finished my first term as an NQT on Friday – and I was SO ready for it!  The children went even more crazy in the last week with Christmas excitement and I am well and truly shattered now.  There didn’t seem to be much structure in the last week of term which is something my class really need, so it was all a bit hectic.  They did have fun at the Christmas Party though playing musical bumps/statues for 2 hours solid!

Saturday morning Mum and I headed down to London at stupid o’clock for our traditional trip.  We had a really lovely time, it’s the fourth year we’ve been and this one was the best.  I’m in a much better place mentally than I have been in the past so there was no tension or cross words, mostly because I was/am so much more flexible with food now.  We went for afternoon tea at Fortnum and Mason again and it was so nice, the waitress let me steal 2 big pots of jam too – I was determined to get my monies worth!  In the evening we saw ‘Goodnight Mr Tom’ which was really good, the Dog was a woman holding a puppet which I thought was a bit odd but it was actually really clever and she made all the sniffing-type noises Dogs make.

Sunday I met up with my best friend who got the train up from Brighton and I was so pleased to see her.  We had a good catch up over coffee and a wander round London and have made vague plans to meet in the New Year – easier said than done when she’s snowed under with dissertations and me with planning/assessments/stress!

Food wise, it was fine.  I ate everything at afternoon tea, asked for some mini mince pies and then a slice of maple and pecan cake – I had two bites but then was too full so I left the rest.  This is something I’d never have done.  I would have forced myself to eat it and risk being sick just to prove that I’m “fine” and I can eat lots of food at once.  I don’t need to prove that any more.  Same with breakfast.  The hotel we stay at does an ace breakfast with everything you could want, croissants, full english buffet, bagels, pancakes, ham/cheeses, porridge, muffins, cereal, loads of different breads, yogurt…etc etc etc.  There is literally everything you can think of and in the past 3 years I’ve gone waaaay overboard every time – trying to eat at least 1 of everything as fast as I possibly can, going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, sixths….  Seriously.  I always tried to out-eat everyone and didn’t care how sick I felt I had to put some false pretence that I wasn’t blatantly anorexic.

This time was different.  I relaxed with a paper, cappuccino and 2 pancakes with maple syrup and raspberry compote stuff.  I went back for another look but didn’t really feel like bacon and sausage, so I grabbed 2 square(?!) crumpets with peanut butter and jam and another coffee.  It was a perfect amount of food.  I was full, but not so full I felt angry/guilty/stupid.  Mum looked a bit pissed off to be honest, and asked if I was sure I wasn’t going to get the full english too.  I didn’t know how to explain to get that now I’m not as stuck in my eating disorder I don’t need to try and eat everything in sight…but I can’t even write it down here properly so there was no chance she’d understand my waffling!  I don’t care if she was pissed off, I know I ate the right amount for me – not the right amount to please other people.  If that makes sense?!

Food wise in general, it’s been ok I suppose.  I wouldn’t say I’m as confident with cooking/food as I’d like to be – but considering how I felt/looked a year ago
I’m in a much better place both physically and mentally.  I still don’t think I’m eating enough during the day and then over-compensating in the evening with non-stop eating of cakes and chocolate.  Not ideal I know.  It’s the same old story though, I used to be fine having xxx for breakfast and xxx for lunch so surely it’s ok now?  Probably not.  I need something more substantial but chances are I will still go crazy with the ‘junk’ in the evening out of boredom anyway.

I know it’s not the best way to think, but I’d say I’m coping at the moment.  I haven’t lost any weight and I certainly don’t want to – I need all my stamina to keep up with the children!

I came back to the flat late last night and planning on driving over to Mum and Dads this afternoon and staying over for Christmas.  Looking forward to our Christmas dinner and more so the Christmas Cake Mum made which looks amazing.  Oh, aaaaaand Heston’s Baked Alaska for a lovely treat for pud!  YUM!

That’s enough babble for one day.  Have a fantastic Christmas everybody xx

Wimping out.

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I should be at the work ‘Christmas do’ tonight, I’m not.  I’m in my pj’s in bed.

Up until recently I fully expected to go, but this week especially I have felt completely drained and completely shattered.  We still have a week to go in school and I’m hanging on by a thread.  I constantly feel on edge and under scrutiny at work and it’s beginning to get me down.

There’s a lot of pressure on targets/levels/assessment etc and although it’s understandable, it’s really getting stressful.  We’re also in for an interesting new year with a change of Head Teacher so I’m expecting a serious shake up (the new HT seems extremely focussed and scary, she won’t take any shit!)  I hate feeling as if I’m constantly not on top of things, and I have a never ending to-do list and just no time to do it.  The children are still testing me to my limits, and the normal day-to-day job pressure is more than I’ve ever experienced.

Other than school, I’ve literally done nothing.  I can’t remember the last time I properly went anywhere or did anything, I seem to eat, drink and sleep work.  Not much fun!  I really should have gone tonight, and I’ll regret it on Monday when I hear all the funny stories etc but my motivation is zeeeero.  I ran out of meds about a week ago too and can’t get to the Docs to get a prescription in so that’s probably not helping matters.  Eurgh.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained!  Right, moan over.

It’s Christmas soon (woop!) but I’m not in the spirit yet, this time next week I will be :).  Mum and I are heading down to London the day after I break up for a whirlwind trip, we’re only down there for 1 night but it’s tradition and I’m looking forward to afternoon tea and some shopping.  I’m also ridiculous disorganised – I haven’t braved the shops at all so have nobodies presents and I really should have sent my friends by now if she was going to get it by Christmas but as I haven’t bought it, I can’t.  I’m usually super organised but time has flown by and I can’t believe it’s only 10 days away!

Still loving being in the flat, it’s lovely and quiet and I actually don’t feel all that lonely – I think I like my own company more than I thought I did.  I’ve been back to Mum and Dads for the obligatory Sunday Roast though, I’m not missing out on that!

Other than feeling the pressure at work, things are ok.  I’m eating alright and as far as I know I’m maintaining if not gaining weight so I think things are fine on that front.  This Christmas should hopefully be more peaceful than last 🙂

Very quick (boring) post just to update, I will hopefully have something interesting to say at some point…I hope…

Back on track.

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I’m pleased to say I’m back on track.  After a bit of an iffy month or so, and a bit of dropped weight, it’s all good now!  (I think, I’ve not actually been weighed).  After finally getting my mensies back in August, they went again during Oct and I was seriously peeved – it had been over 7 years and I was so chuffed to get it back but even a slight drop in weight obviously had an effect on my body.  Well, as of yesterday it’s back so I’m officially back on track 🙂

I’ve been in the flat properly for just over a week now, and I really do love it.  I love having my own space again and being able to eat when I’m hungry rather than waiting until 6.30-7pm when Dad’s in from work.  I’ve been living off ready meals, pasta and PB KitKat Chunkys so far, but I will learn to cook eventually, promise!  Oh, I did have a jacket potato and Chilli Con Carne one night, which kinda counts as cooking (although the chili was stolen from Mums!)

School is still hectic, and I still don’t feel as if I’m doing the kids justice.  They’re really quite tough to teach and my enthusiasm and energy is dropping every day.  Saying that, I do like the job.  The staff are nice, the kids are funny, excitable and responsive and no 2 days are ever the same so I really can’t complain but the workload is intense.  As ever, there’s a list of things I should have done and haven’t, and I feel as if I’m just scraping along and about to be ‘found out’ as a fraud-teacher at any moment.  I did survive 4 nights of parents evenings last week though so that’s a relief.  I can say it here because this blog is completely anonomous – the parents are damn scary!  As in, no teeth, burly frightening looking women!  It went without any major issues though I’m pleased to say.
I’ve got shed loads of assessment to do and next week have some courses after school followed by a ‘moderation of writing meeting’ with 3 other schools.  I’m meant to have assessed all the children’s writing and given it an appropriate level (from 1c to 5a for example) and then justify why I have decided the child deserves that mark to teachers from 3 other schools.

Slight problems being – I’ve not done the assessments, I’ve never levelled pieces of work in that way before, I have no clue how a “2c” piece of work differs from a “2b” piece of work.  I also feel like a complete idiot for not knowing these things and the school just kinda assume I do.  Basically, I can see myself turning up at this meeting looking like a complete idiot with no knowledge of assessment whatsoever and not being able to justify the marks the children have.  ARGH!  Stress.

 

On the plus side, it’s not too long until Christmas and our Christmas cake is already made and smells amazing so I can’t wait to dig in.  Will try and update a bit more often because I know I’ve been a crappy blogger lately x

 
EDIT TO ADD:

My favourite comment of today.

Me: “What is an odd number? What makes a number odd?”

Child: “Odd is when someone sits in a corner and looks funny and reads a book who looks weird”

Excellent.

Slippery Slope.

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Oh how I LOVE half term!  I could not wait until Friday last week, I was well and truly ready for some time off.  Things have finally been happening with me, I got the keys to my new flat on Saturday and have spent this week sorting out gas/electricity/boring stuff and moving my things in bit by bit. I absolutely love it!  It’s perfect for me, and feels so bright and airy (although I haven’t actually slept there yet – I still need to sort out bedding!) so I don’t know how creepy it is in the dark.

I hope I love living there as much as I think I will.  It’s so close to school (but not too close, as in, non of the children will live in that area), it’s a gorgeous old building in a lovely area and there’s an off license over the road so if I have a tough day, vodka will be near by 😉

I’m not looking forward to going back to school on Monday.  I have managed to switch off from school which I can never normally do, it’ll be hard getting back into the swing of things.  The 8 weeks until Christmas will be looooooong.  I’m still enjoying it, but getting pretty stressed out.  There’s still an awful lot I’ve not done which I should have, my assessment still isn’t up to scratch and I had an observation in the second to last week which was pretty crap to be honest.  I haven’t got the feedback from it yet (STILL!) because my mentor wanted to go and ‘think about what we can do’ – I’m assuming that’s not a good thing.  I really can’t afford to mess this year up, if I fail my NQT year that’s it – no second chance.

This is exactly why it’s even more important that I keep myself healthy.  I seem to have let things slip and I need to pick myself back up with regards to food.  Since I’m at school all day, I’m not able to have appointments with the ED centre so I made one for half term and saw the psychiatrist on Wednesday.  My weight has dropped a little bit since August (my last appointment), not an awful lot, only 2.5kg but it’s still enough to make a difference in my head and unfortunately have an affect on my period.  Number 2 arrived like clockwork…number 3 didn’t :(.

This is the slippery slope I feared, and it’s time to climb back up.  I’m an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person, in that I can go full on recovery amounts, or restrict.  I’m yet to find the happy maintenance medium – and I can’t continue to gain/lose weight in a ridiculous cycle.  I don’t know how much I need to eat, and I specifically asked the Dietitian not to give me a calorie number for maintenance, because me being me will always try to get under it rather than over it.  I know eating recovery amounts makes me gain, and eating what I’m eating makes me (slowly) lose but I’m scared to push it up higher in case I balloon.  Basically, I’m being an idiot.

I’m kind of annoyed with myself to be honest.  I should know better than to take my eye off the ball.  The Dr reinforced that I have a lot more to lose this time round (in terms of job etc, not weight!) and a lot is riding on me staying healthy.  My whole class being one, my independence and rent on the flat being another.

When I move for good (hopefully this weekend) I need to be extra extra extra stringent with myself.  I can usually bank on having a big dinner when I’m at home, but when it’s just me I’m all too likely to resort to something crap so I need to make a proper effort to cook/buy proper food which isn’t too low calorie to firstly increase, then maintain weight.

Well, this isn’t exactly the cheerful update I’d hope to post but hopefully when the internet is up and running in my flat I’ll be able to post a more upbeat one! 🙂