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Finished my first term as an NQT on Friday – and I was SO ready for it!  The children went even more crazy in the last week with Christmas excitement and I am well and truly shattered now.  There didn’t seem to be much structure in the last week of term which is something my class really need, so it was all a bit hectic.  They did have fun at the Christmas Party though playing musical bumps/statues for 2 hours solid!

Saturday morning Mum and I headed down to London at stupid o’clock for our traditional trip.  We had a really lovely time, it’s the fourth year we’ve been and this one was the best.  I’m in a much better place mentally than I have been in the past so there was no tension or cross words, mostly because I was/am so much more flexible with food now.  We went for afternoon tea at Fortnum and Mason again and it was so nice, the waitress let me steal 2 big pots of jam too – I was determined to get my monies worth!  In the evening we saw ‘Goodnight Mr Tom’ which was really good, the Dog was a woman holding a puppet which I thought was a bit odd but it was actually really clever and she made all the sniffing-type noises Dogs make.

Sunday I met up with my best friend who got the train up from Brighton and I was so pleased to see her.  We had a good catch up over coffee and a wander round London and have made vague plans to meet in the New Year – easier said than done when she’s snowed under with dissertations and me with planning/assessments/stress!

Food wise, it was fine.  I ate everything at afternoon tea, asked for some mini mince pies and then a slice of maple and pecan cake – I had two bites but then was too full so I left the rest.  This is something I’d never have done.  I would have forced myself to eat it and risk being sick just to prove that I’m “fine” and I can eat lots of food at once.  I don’t need to prove that any more.  Same with breakfast.  The hotel we stay at does an ace breakfast with everything you could want, croissants, full english buffet, bagels, pancakes, ham/cheeses, porridge, muffins, cereal, loads of different breads, yogurt…etc etc etc.  There is literally everything you can think of and in the past 3 years I’ve gone waaaay overboard every time – trying to eat at least 1 of everything as fast as I possibly can, going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, sixths….  Seriously.  I always tried to out-eat everyone and didn’t care how sick I felt I had to put some false pretence that I wasn’t blatantly anorexic.

This time was different.  I relaxed with a paper, cappuccino and 2 pancakes with maple syrup and raspberry compote stuff.  I went back for another look but didn’t really feel like bacon and sausage, so I grabbed 2 square(?!) crumpets with peanut butter and jam and another coffee.  It was a perfect amount of food.  I was full, but not so full I felt angry/guilty/stupid.  Mum looked a bit pissed off to be honest, and asked if I was sure I wasn’t going to get the full english too.  I didn’t know how to explain to get that now I’m not as stuck in my eating disorder I don’t need to try and eat everything in sight…but I can’t even write it down here properly so there was no chance she’d understand my waffling!  I don’t care if she was pissed off, I know I ate the right amount for me – not the right amount to please other people.  If that makes sense?!

Food wise in general, it’s been ok I suppose.  I wouldn’t say I’m as confident with cooking/food as I’d like to be – but considering how I felt/looked a year ago
I’m in a much better place both physically and mentally.  I still don’t think I’m eating enough during the day and then over-compensating in the evening with non-stop eating of cakes and chocolate.  Not ideal I know.  It’s the same old story though, I used to be fine having xxx for breakfast and xxx for lunch so surely it’s ok now?  Probably not.  I need something more substantial but chances are I will still go crazy with the ‘junk’ in the evening out of boredom anyway.

I know it’s not the best way to think, but I’d say I’m coping at the moment.  I haven’t lost any weight and I certainly don’t want to – I need all my stamina to keep up with the children!

I came back to the flat late last night and planning on driving over to Mum and Dads this afternoon and staying over for Christmas.  Looking forward to our Christmas dinner and more so the Christmas Cake Mum made which looks amazing.  Oh, aaaaaand Heston’s Baked Alaska for a lovely treat for pud!  YUM!

That’s enough babble for one day.  Have a fantastic Christmas everybody xx