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Oh how I LOVE half term!  I could not wait until Friday last week, I was well and truly ready for some time off.  Things have finally been happening with me, I got the keys to my new flat on Saturday and have spent this week sorting out gas/electricity/boring stuff and moving my things in bit by bit. I absolutely love it!  It’s perfect for me, and feels so bright and airy (although I haven’t actually slept there yet – I still need to sort out bedding!) so I don’t know how creepy it is in the dark.

I hope I love living there as much as I think I will.  It’s so close to school (but not too close, as in, non of the children will live in that area), it’s a gorgeous old building in a lovely area and there’s an off license over the road so if I have a tough day, vodka will be near by 😉

I’m not looking forward to going back to school on Monday.  I have managed to switch off from school which I can never normally do, it’ll be hard getting back into the swing of things.  The 8 weeks until Christmas will be looooooong.  I’m still enjoying it, but getting pretty stressed out.  There’s still an awful lot I’ve not done which I should have, my assessment still isn’t up to scratch and I had an observation in the second to last week which was pretty crap to be honest.  I haven’t got the feedback from it yet (STILL!) because my mentor wanted to go and ‘think about what we can do’ – I’m assuming that’s not a good thing.  I really can’t afford to mess this year up, if I fail my NQT year that’s it – no second chance.

This is exactly why it’s even more important that I keep myself healthy.  I seem to have let things slip and I need to pick myself back up with regards to food.  Since I’m at school all day, I’m not able to have appointments with the ED centre so I made one for half term and saw the psychiatrist on Wednesday.  My weight has dropped a little bit since August (my last appointment), not an awful lot, only 2.5kg but it’s still enough to make a difference in my head and unfortunately have an affect on my period.  Number 2 arrived like clockwork…number 3 didn’t :(.

This is the slippery slope I feared, and it’s time to climb back up.  I’m an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person, in that I can go full on recovery amounts, or restrict.  I’m yet to find the happy maintenance medium – and I can’t continue to gain/lose weight in a ridiculous cycle.  I don’t know how much I need to eat, and I specifically asked the Dietitian not to give me a calorie number for maintenance, because me being me will always try to get under it rather than over it.  I know eating recovery amounts makes me gain, and eating what I’m eating makes me (slowly) lose but I’m scared to push it up higher in case I balloon.  Basically, I’m being an idiot.

I’m kind of annoyed with myself to be honest.  I should know better than to take my eye off the ball.  The Dr reinforced that I have a lot more to lose this time round (in terms of job etc, not weight!) and a lot is riding on me staying healthy.  My whole class being one, my independence and rent on the flat being another.

When I move for good (hopefully this weekend) I need to be extra extra extra stringent with myself.  I can usually bank on having a big dinner when I’m at home, but when it’s just me I’m all too likely to resort to something crap so I need to make a proper effort to cook/buy proper food which isn’t too low calorie to firstly increase, then maintain weight.

Well, this isn’t exactly the cheerful update I’d hope to post but hopefully when the internet is up and running in my flat I’ll be able to post a more upbeat one! 🙂

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