I start work on Monday. I am absolutely bloody petrified. Ridiculously so. My mind is whirring…
You totally fluked through the PGCE and are no way going to be able to teach
“You’re a big fraud who can’t actually teach”
“These children are relying on you to teach them but you’re rubbish so you’re just going to mess them up forever”
Your mentor will see right through your carefully laminated displays hiding the fact you’re a crap teacher, you won’t pass your NQT year
And so on. I’m stressing big time, not to mention the fact I haven’t done ANY planning at all. I start in 3 days. Oh my. I think because I find it so time consuming and difficult to plan lessons (ensuring all learning objectives are clear and achievable and both differentiation and assessment is factored in) I’m just putting it off – which isn’t solving anything. The horror stories I’m constantly hearing about my class aren’t helping much either.
Anyway, I’m trying to block it out at the moment because it’s stressing me out! It’s having an affect on my sleep as well, I usually sleep like a baby but I keep having horrible dreams and taking ages to get some rest. It’s so unlike me :(. Hopefully, once I’ve got into the swing of things I’ll be ok. Crossing my fingers!
Other than school, not all that much has been happening really but I’ll do a quick catch up anyway. My best friend came up to visit last weekend and we went out to town – oh my WORD did I drink! It was so fun, just like the ‘old times’ we used to have, chatting and drinking and just generally having an ace time. I even had a cheeky snog with tall random stranger ;). Sunday I was near enough dead with a hell of a hangover, but it was so worth it just to have a catch up with my friend. We haven’t seen each other since before Christmas and I’ve put on well over 2 stone since then so I was nervous to say the least. I shouldn’t have been because she was lovely. We spoke about recovery for the first time, and she was amazingly kind and understanding. She did a lot to boost my confidence (the alcohol helped in that respect as well!).
Wednesday saw another appointment with the Dietitian, I’m not sure when I’ll next see her (if ever) so I had to squeeze in an appointment before school starts. Things in my head haven’t been 100% lately and I’ve cut out a few hundred calories. Now, it hasn’t had an effect on my weight at all which kind of pissed me off. I am not purposely restricting to lose weight, I don’t want to lose weight because I’ve just got my period back and really really really don’t want it to go again! But, it annoyed me because I’m eating a fair bit less than I was and yet I’m maintaining on such a crap amount of calories. I half hoped I’d lose 1kg or something and it would make me think “Ahhh, I can afford to eat much more!”…but it didn’t. It made me think “DAMN, your body clearly doesn’t need a lot of food so stop eating as much as you did”. Etc. Wrong, I know, and I’ll hopefully stop thinking about it so much as soon as school starts and I get back into a routine. I know when you’re hungry, you’re meant to eat (duh!) but my head says ‘your tummy might be hungry but you don’t really need a whole lot of food because you’re short so maybe cut down…’ – it’s a slippery slope though, I know this.
I told the Dietitian that was how I felt, and that I’d been crappy with lunch for the past few weeks but because my weight hadn’t changed she wasn’t concerned. Don’t get me wrong, my head is SO much better than it was – I don’t freak out in supermarkets, I don’t panic, I don’t walk up and down isles deliberating over 1 stupid purchase, I don’t dread somebody buying me a cookie/muffin/cake as a little present – these are big improvements but I still think I have a bit of an anorexic mind set. It’s hard to explain (and perhaps I wasn’t clear when I saw the Dietitian) but it’s just little niggley things which creep in every now and then. She said because I recognise the thoughts and don’t react to them it’s ok. Weirdly, she was super complimentary of me! Having had our clashes in the past, she was so pleased with my progress and said they have very very few success stories in their line of work and that I had made her job worth doing. Which is nice!
I don’t know. I left feeling boosted by her (she tried to be positive whenever I said something negative) but also kind of misunderstood. One thing she did say, which I think she may be right about, is that I am concentrating a lot more on the negatives than I am on the positives. The negatives being ‘my mind sometimes over-thinks food choices’ etc etc, the positives being ‘I have a new job, my period has returned, I can eat almost anything I want whenever I want it’ etc etc. She just basically told me to stop being so damn negative all the time! Haha. Perhaps she’s right, but I’m a natural pessimist.
I have tried to make an appointment with the psych for half term which is 8 weeks away and have re-upped my food since Wednesday (despite not losing weight) because basically – I’m hungry sometimes. I shouldn’t be going hungry just because I don’t want to gain more weight! If I gain more, so be it. I need to relax, eat as much as I want to satisfy my stomach and fuck what my head says.
Oh, and the crazy ass itching has gone down a lot too thankfully. It flairs up every now and then but at least I don’t look completely mental trying to itch every part of my body at the same time. Because I was wondering whether it was the fluoxetine (Prozac) which had caused it (it wasn’t) – I didn’t up my dose when I was supposed to. But, I feel fine on the dose I’m on at the moment so still haven’t upped it – I hope this is ok! I won’t see the Doc for 8 weeks so I hope I don’t get there and he shouts at me for not upping it! I honestly feel ok, surely it’s fine to stay on this dose?
I know I’ve been really crappy with updates recently and unfortunately I’m probably not going to get much better! I really should start planning some lessons…