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That is the year group I will be teaching next year.

I GOT OFFERED A JOB TODAY!

In case you can’t tell, I’m a little excited.  Well, excited and terrified in equal measures.  Actually, make that 30% excited, 70% petrified.   After last weeks rejection as a “ridiculously close second” I was beginning to think I’d never get a teaching job.

I don’t know if I can do this.  I will be in charge of educating 30 children aged 8-9 and making sure they make progress, learn and enjoy themselves.

That sounds simple enough, but I also need to learn the Year 4 Curriculum, the targets for Literacy/Numeracy/Science/History/Geography/ICT/PSHE/RE/DT/Art…oh bugger!  The amount of work scares me shitless, but I’m looking forward to the challenge.  After a year out of work it’s time to really get down to it and actually start doing something productive.

I think I will struggle, physically, to begin with and then mentally as the school year progresses!  I am very physically weak at the moment, and have been referred to physio for joint problems which are making it hard to be on my feet…needless to say I haven’t informed my employer of this because I think I should be a lot better by September.  Hopefully.

I know I need to keep my intake up, there is no way on earth I would survive the school day with minimal food.  It’s not possible.

Having not posted in a while, I’ll do a quick update.  I posted the other week after seeing the Doctor when I was still gaining but at a slightly slower rate (woop!) when he talked about maintaining now, having overshot my pre-ed weight and being a healthy weight.  He assured me that my period would reappear soon enough and that I don’t necessarily need to gain more weight.

I thought I was fine with that, but the days following only proved to myself that I’m not ready to let go just yet.  At the weekend, I cut my intake to around 2000 (not intentionally that amount, I just skimped on snacks which lowered my intake).  In between the appointment with him to an appointment with the Dietitian the following Wednesday I’d lost 1lb.  That is the first time since starting recovery that I’ve EVER lost anything!  A small part of me was thrilled (I can still do it! I can still lose weight!) but a lot of me wasn’t.

I know 1lb is nothing, people gain/lose 5lb a day – but because it was the first time EVER it has happened, I was a bit surprised.  I shouldn’t have been, really, because I had lowered my intake without really knowing what the hell I was doing and it was stupid.  At my appointment on Wednesday, I told the Dietitian I was a bit confused and don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t eat the right amount.  Always too much or too little, not just ‘enough’.  I knew I was restricting, I felt hungry and didn’t eat – that’s wrong.  I haven’t done that in so so long, it’s amazing how easy it is to fall back a bit.

Well, long story short, I’m still eating to gain.  I snapped out of stupid restricto-mode (a lot easier than I thought) and bumped my cals back up.  It was only 4 days of a slightly lower intake but it’s enough to make a difference, both physically and mentally.  I feel safer when I’m eating to gain, I feel like I have a purpose (despite being wholly uncomfortable with my body sometimes) but when I’m maintaining, it’s just…boring.  The fun is gone.  It’s a chore.

I was pleased with the appointment with the Dietitian because she essentially gave me permission to keep pushing.  Previously, I would have freaked because I’m already too big for ‘me’, but if it truly drives the eating disorder into remission then it’s a price I’m willing to pay.  I still hate the appearance of my body, the cellulite (which has now spread to my stomach and arms, oh fun times) but some days I don’t notice it.  Some days I’m just me, not a big gross monstrous mess.  I like these days and would like more of the please 🙂

I will write more soon, but I am absolutely shattered after today’s interview stress!  I have 2 months to learn how to teach Year 4…

 

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