Tags
anorexia, Birthday, body image, cake, Doctor, eating disorder, ED, food, Medication, mental health, recovery, Relationships, Speed Dating
That’s how I greeted the Doctor this morning. How pathetic that I have absolutely nothing better to do on my Birthday than attend a Doctors appointment!
The appointment went well, probably the best one yet because I have got to know him a bit now and he’s actually pretty cool. We spoke about the gain (he’s still amazed I’ve gained that much and I’m still going) and how it might be time to maintain. I don’t know how to do this! I don’t know how to eat enough – but not too much. It’s easier said than done. I’m also worried about maintaining my weight before I’ve got my period, he said it may just take time and I’m at a weight where it would be expected to start again…but it hasn’t. So far, I’ve followed the advice on the Gwyneth Olwyn blog and not gone under 2500 calories and if I was to continue following this I should keep my intake the same, but my Doctor is advising otherwise so I don’t know what to do. I already feel far too big for “me” – I’m not huge in comparison to the general public, I know this, but for me – I’m gigantic.
We also talked about life in general, and how I am nothing like I expected I’d be at 28 years old. When I was younger, I always imagined I’d be married with children at this age, it’s something I really wanted and just thought it would automatically happen – well, it hasn’t. I can’t remember the last time I had a boyfriend, or a kiss even and that’s more pathetic than I’d care to admit.
I know I need to be proactive about this, I’m not likely to meet anybody sat on my couch but it’s not that easy. When you’re as nervous, embarrassed, self conscious and unconfident as I am I can’t just “get out there” as he suggested. Also, even if I did ever meet somebody I know I’ll never feel comfortable getting close with somebody while I’m in this body. Nobody wants the legs and bum of a 60 year old cellulite ridden, flabby woman paired with the torso of a 12 year old boy. Not the best combo. He did make a suggestion which made me laugh – speed dating. He was deadly serious and we had a really good laugh about it, I told him I’d feel like an idiot and he insisted it’s actually really good, you’re not stuck with anyone for long enough for it to be awkward. At best you meet someone, and at worst you have a funny story to tell friends in the future! He said he’d been before and it was brilliant, when I said isn’t it a bit weird, he told me that he’d met his wife on a blind date and now they see it as amusing. It definitely gave me something to think about, but I really don’t think I’d have the guts to go, I wouldn’t have a clue what to say. I’d be worried about the type of people who would be there, but then my Doctor is very normal, he’s not a weirdo, he’s not ugly, he’s not nasty, he’s young – so I suppose that should change my narrow mind.
He also mentioned meds again. They were mentioned when I saw him but I wasn’t interested, I hoped better nutrition would do the trick but it hasn’t so far and he thinks they may help me. Still undecided to be honest, I really don’t know a lot about them and I don’t want to take something I don’t need but equally, if it can improve my mood/mind/thoughts blah blah then perhaps it might be worth a try. Who knows.
I felt a lot better coming out of the appointment than I did going in, a lot lighter in mind if not in body (no slowing of the gain – oh my frickin’ god). My mind isn’t the best place to be some days, and I seem to wallow a lot. Disappointed with what I have done with my life (nothing) and frustrated that I’ve wasted so many years being ill, it sucks. I don’t have the children, husband or friends the majority of my year group have (90%+ are married, have a child, or one of the 2). I need to move my arse and make things happen.
There was also a phone call on Monday evening which sent me into panic mode – an interview tomorrow morning. ARGH! Not enough time to prepare. I’m also meant to be going out for a meal and then to see a Comedian tonight which means I have less time to plan my lesson and also a very late night = stress time. I’m not sure whether I’ll go to the gig or not yet, I know I’ll regret it if I do go and do shite in the interview, but equally if and when I don’t get the job I’ll regret staying in for nothing.
Oh well. Happy bleedin’ Birthday to me, Doctors appointment and interview preparation – fun fun fun in Meg’s world. My parents got me some Soap & Glory hand cream and shower stuff, and these cakes:
Mum said “We got you 2 cakes so you could choose which you wanted” – Erm, I don’t work like that. I don’t choose 1 of them, I choose both – she should know that by now! I hate how little self restraint I have, and since my Dad doesn’t like Chocolate cake looks like that one will be all down to me. This will just add additional weight I don’t need any more.
This is a rushed and mixed up post so I apologise, but I really really need to start planning this lesson for tomorrow, 45 minutes on ‘problem solving’ with Year 5, scary stuff. There’s a written task and panel interview after that as well so it’s fair to say I’m not all that excited! I will write a more coherent post soon.
Have your cake and eat it 
Happy birthday!!!! Those cakes look delicious and I think you should definitely go out to the gig tonight- its your birthday you have to celebrate 😀
Hopefully you’ll be able to plan a good lesson before doing that- so annoying that you’re having to do hard work on your birthday! But remember it’ll be worth it if you get the job!!!
xxx
Thank you! I did go in the end, it was worth it and my interview ok so don’t think I ruined my chances going out! x
Happy birthday beautiful. ❤
Thank you! x
Happy Birthday to you my sweet! Your cakes look very cute, btw. Suitable for a darling girl/woman.
Wow, it is hard to look at life “as it is”. It’s really great that you talk about these disatisfactions, etc. I know that will provide the framework for change. That’s usually how it goes for me … I worry and analyze stuff to death, then i finally get myself OUT THERE.
As far as maintaining your weight. I know it seems scary, but you are in a wonderful place now. Once you feel a little more balanced, and have been at a “normal” weight for awhile … you can tackle more and more issues, and carve out your dreams … and REALLY GO for them!!! XO melis
Thanks Mel I appreciate it a lot. I’m not sure ‘Huge Hedgehog’ is aimed at those who are 28 years of age, but it will be tasty so I’m not complaining!
My worries have shifted a bit, although I won’t lie and say a large one is ‘I don’t like my weight’ – but there are far more important things to life and I’m going to discover them sooner or later!
I think I expect everything to happen ‘NOW’, so patience is needed (once I’ve analysed it to death like you, then I can get out there as you have!) x
I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! I hope you have had a wonderful day and the year(s) ahead are good to you. I also hope you make it to the gig and are able to enjoy yourself 🙂 Those cakes are adorable (and look very yummy)!
I can relate to so much of what you have written here. I’m at the same stage in my weight restoration – maintenance – and it is very terrifying. The fear is getting less as I witness that as long as I continue to work at eating right (not too much, not too little), that my weight stabilises in a sort of set-point range. I hope that you can find peace in this too, soon, as you learn to trust your body. It sounds like you are really working hard so well done 🙂
As for the other life pressures.. it’s hard not to get ahead of ourselves.. but I truly believe that once we start to recover, it opens up a whole new space for new, amazing things to come in to. I’ve begun to see it for myself, but also seen it in many friends who are on the same journey, a bit further along than where I’m at.
Thank you! I did go to the gig and will dig into the cakes tonight 🙂
It’s frustrating that eating ‘normally’ takes work when people seem to maintain their weight automatically but we really have to think about how to eat enough, but not too much! You’re right that I need to trust my body, I sort of do, but not enough…yet.
And also yeah, you’re right that it doesn’t help to get ahead of ourselves! Slow and steady and things will happen 🙂
Happy Birthday, and Hugo the Hedgehog? Well jealous! I got a caterpillar for my 21st but I can’t remember his name though (only that he was most delicious!)
Argh! With you on the weight gain. I feel like I’m gaining and gaining and it is freaking me out. I do think you should keep going until your period returns, let your body sort itself out.
Go out and celebrate, you can always call it an early night if you’re worried about tomorrow, and good luch!
Hehe this little man was from Sainsburys, and he looks very tasty. I’ll be digging in after dinner tonight 🙂
A large part of me thinks I should keep going until I get my period, but the Doc reckons it’s just a delay and if I continue to eat weight gain amounts I’ll be ‘too big’ (I think he means too big for me – a weight which will send me backwards) and it might have come anyway if I had waited. I don’t know. I’m going to keep eating the amount I’m eating at the moment and see how I go.
Thanks for the good luck wishes! x
Happy birthday 🙂 Those cakes look adorable. I agree with everyone else, you deserve to go out and celebrate as it’s your birthday. Have a good evening x
Thank you! I did go, and it was worth it. I’ve seen the show before but it was just as good as I remembered 🙂 x
Happy Birthday to YOOOU!!!
ive gotta say, your doc sounds like a stand up guy! and he is right, alot of people find their partners by those kindof means, people are too busy to just “bump” into someone in a bar. it doesnt happen like that so much anymore… im the same, i need to get out there too, cos at 27 i feel the same. loads of my friends are getting married and having kids etc, its getting me down cos i still look and feel like im 18!! (so sign me up for that speed dating too, laughs aplenty i bet!)
I had the “meds” talk too, i am still holding hope that with weight gain, it will sort alot of my moodswings out, cos thats what my therapist says. but i guess i wont know until i jump right in and GO for this 🙂
Goo dluck on the job interview tomoz. what a silly time to do job interviews, RIGHT at the end of term. to be honest… im past caring at this point! altho i did have a FAB lesson this afternoon with only 3 pupils!! the rest of the class were on the PGL trip so we had a great time, they even asked if we could permanantly get rid of the others!
take care chick and enjoy ur evening, its your bday and you can do whatever the hell you WANT!!! 🙂
x
Thank youuuu!
He is pretty cool actually, he’s very down to earth and I get on with him ok now even though I’ve not seen him all that much. I feel a bit bad for going off on one about being a ‘loser’ speed/internet dating when he.revealed he’d done it – eek. I think you’re right though, people are busy, it’s not easy to meet people all the time so I do need to open my mind.
We sound like we’re in similar boats, but Clemmy you REALLY need to throw yourself into this! This time next year, you could be in a much better place than you are now so get a grip on that meal plan and stretching lady, you can do it x
Oh and 3 in a class? That’s awesome! If only normal classes weren’t 10 times that size!
Your doc sounds awesome (apart from the fact that he is advising a recovering ed patient to reduce their food intake when they WANT to keep it the same! Silly man!). I hope that your interview goes well, seriously, you deserve some positive things in your life right now.
And as for the cake, well you only have a birthday once a year right ;). Maybe you can call a friend (I know you say you don’t have many, but who is gonna say no to free cake?) and ask them to join you for a slice, two birds killed with one stone! (cake being eaten and socialising, if you were confused as to what the birds were!)
Thank you!
The Doc has turned out to be ok actually, I expected a doddery old man but this one’s young and seems to be quite down to earth!
Interview went ok actually, I thought my lesson was quite boring but the actual interview bit wasn’t as bad as previous ones. I won’t find out for 1-2 days though :/.
I will be tucking into Huge the Hedgehog later on, and the Victoria Sponge one has a longer use by date so I can pace myself and don’t have to eat allthecakeatoncenomnomnom haha. There is 1 friend who still lives fairly local so I may save her a slice (even though it seems she has forgotten it’s my birthday!) x
Happy birthday to yoouooooooou!!
(as I dont love chocolate, Ill have the bear cake 😉 )
Oh! And did your friend make you cheesecake yet? Ill have that one then!! Yummmmm
NO! No cake for you, you get to bugger off to Cuba so I get the cake 😉
She hasn’t made it yet I don’t think, she was texting me yesterday about completely unrelated things (her holiday plans) and didn’t mention the birthday so she’s forgotten! She will have to make 2 cakes to make up for that 😉 xx
I totally missed your birthday. OMGs birthday! I like the hedgehog cake best. Purely because it’s a hedgehog and it’s way cute.
I hope your interview when/is going/goes well! And that you had a nice evening yesterday regardless. Obvs.
I think what you do now with regards to recovery is what feels right to you and your team. You shouldn’t slash your calories too low, but if you and your doctor feel like cutting back a little then discuss it with him and decide. I also depends on what your doctor knows about EDs. I trust my team over that site because I have no idea who that woman is. When her advice makes sense to me, I follow it because it feels logical. When my team think different though, I tend to think it over and if in doubt, follow my team. I know they’re specialists thought and they do this all day every day, probably with some success else they’d all be fired. They see example after example of what happens to people in recovery who go different ways. So I trust them.
In the long run, pick what’s right for you, but bare in mind most doctors don’t know much about EDs so unless they’re a specialist, you’ll have to use your own intuition.
Also, I think that maybe you should try the meds Not for any reason other than you can’t decide they’re a bad idea unless you give them a shot. Say for a month, then change your mind if you don’t like them. You don’t lose anything from it you know. And you don’t even have to last a month if you realise within the week that just the idea makes you too uncomfy. And if they do work and you’re happy with them, you’ve only gained.
I hope you are well and the birthday was fabz fabz.
Thanks dear! Huge the Hedge will be chopped up shortly 😉
Interview was actually ok, not amazing but I wasn’t terrible. Will find out tomorrow so fingers crossed.
Thing is with the weight, I really don’t know what feels right for me! This weight certainly does NOT feel right to me, it looks silly but I know it’s healthy and I’ll learn to live with it. I am torn between pushing it further hoping for a period or trying to maintain – but I don’t think I could lower my intake even if I tried because I’m so used to overeating. Bah. Doc said more weight doesn’t mean the period will come quicker, because I’ve been without for so long it just takes a while to restart apparently. Your comment about success stories made me laugh! Here’s hoping you and I will become a success story eh?
I won’t see him again for ages so I might see if I can call about the meds, do you know if you start taking them and don’t like it you can stop straight away? Or do you need to ‘come off’ them? I know so little about medication it’s a bit ridiculous, I need to swot up.
Birthday was quiet but ok thank you! x