That’s how I greeted the Doctor this morning. How pathetic that I have absolutely nothing better to do on my Birthday than attend a Doctors appointment!
The appointment went well, probably the best one yet because I have got to know him a bit now and he’s actually pretty cool. We spoke about the gain (he’s still amazed I’ve gained that much and I’m still going) and how it might be time to maintain. I don’t know how to do this! I don’t know how to eat enough – but not too much. It’s easier said than done. I’m also worried about maintaining my weight before I’ve got my period, he said it may just take time and I’m at a weight where it would be expected to start again…but it hasn’t. So far, I’ve followed the advice on the Gwyneth Olwyn blog and not gone under 2500 calories and if I was to continue following this I should keep my intake the same, but my Doctor is advising otherwise so I don’t know what to do. I already feel far too big for “me” – I’m not huge in comparison to the general public, I know this, but for me – I’m gigantic.
We also talked about life in general, and how I am nothing like I expected I’d be at 28 years old. When I was younger, I always imagined I’d be married with children at this age, it’s something I really wanted and just thought it would automatically happen – well, it hasn’t. I can’t remember the last time I had a boyfriend, or a kiss even and that’s more pathetic than I’d care to admit.
I know I need to be proactive about this, I’m not likely to meet anybody sat on my couch but it’s not that easy. When you’re as nervous, embarrassed, self conscious and unconfident as I am I can’t just “get out there” as he suggested. Also, even if I did ever meet somebody I know I’ll never feel comfortable getting close with somebody while I’m in this body. Nobody wants the legs and bum of a 60 year old cellulite ridden, flabby woman paired with the torso of a 12 year old boy. Not the best combo. He did make a suggestion which made me laugh – speed dating. He was deadly serious and we had a really good laugh about it, I told him I’d feel like an idiot and he insisted it’s actually really good, you’re not stuck with anyone for long enough for it to be awkward. At best you meet someone, and at worst you have a funny story to tell friends in the future! He said he’d been before and it was brilliant, when I said isn’t it a bit weird, he told me that he’d met his wife on a blind date and now they see it as amusing. It definitely gave me something to think about, but I really don’t think I’d have the guts to go, I wouldn’t have a clue what to say. I’d be worried about the type of people who would be there, but then my Doctor is very normal, he’s not a weirdo, he’s not ugly, he’s not nasty, he’s young – so I suppose that should change my narrow mind.
He also mentioned meds again. They were mentioned when I saw him but I wasn’t interested, I hoped better nutrition would do the trick but it hasn’t so far and he thinks they may help me. Still undecided to be honest, I really don’t know a lot about them and I don’t want to take something I don’t need but equally, if it can improve my mood/mind/thoughts blah blah then perhaps it might be worth a try. Who knows.
I felt a lot better coming out of the appointment than I did going in, a lot lighter in mind if not in body (no slowing of the gain – oh my frickin’ god). My mind isn’t the best place to be some days, and I seem to wallow a lot. Disappointed with what I have done with my life (nothing) and frustrated that I’ve wasted so many years being ill, it sucks. I don’t have the children, husband or friends the majority of my year group have (90%+ are married, have a child, or one of the 2). I need to move my arse and make things happen.
There was also a phone call on Monday evening which sent me into panic mode – an interview tomorrow morning. ARGH! Not enough time to prepare. I’m also meant to be going out for a meal and then to see a Comedian tonight which means I have less time to plan my lesson and also a very late night = stress time. I’m not sure whether I’ll go to the gig or not yet, I know I’ll regret it if I do go and do shite in the interview, but equally if and when I don’t get the job I’ll regret staying in for nothing.
Oh well. Happy bleedin’ Birthday to me, Doctors appointment and interview preparation – fun fun fun in Meg’s world. My parents got me some Soap & Glory hand cream and shower stuff, and these cakes:
Mum said “We got you 2 cakes so you could choose which you wanted” – Erm, I don’t work like that. I don’t choose 1 of them, I choose both – she should know that by now! I hate how little self restraint I have, and since my Dad doesn’t like Chocolate cake looks like that one will be all down to me. This will just add additional weight I don’t need any more.
This is a rushed and mixed up post so I apologise, but I really really need to start planning this lesson for tomorrow, 45 minutes on ‘problem solving’ with Year 5, scary stuff. There’s a written task and panel interview after that as well so it’s fair to say I’m not all that excited! I will write a more coherent post soon.