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S’pose it’s about time I posted something here, it’s been a while.

Well, last week was just damn hard.  I don’t know why, and can’t think of anything in particular which sparked it off but I was in a real funk and couldn’t drag myself out of it.  I spent a lot of time in bed, and the rest of the time on the couch.  Smiling, laughing, doing anything was hard and it’s rare I can’t even raise a smile – I didn’t like it one bit.  Dad bounced up the stairs last Saturday shouting “BBQ! BBQ! Shall we have a BBQ?!” – he can’t boil an egg but loves a good BBQ.  Usually, I love them and even in the worst days of anorexia I would still enjoy a BBQ because I knew I wouldn’t have eaten enough before or afterwards for it to have any effect.  This time was different.

This time I had definitely eaten enough, more than enough in fact and my mind was in a really bad place where I was thinking along the lines of “you’re already fat, you don’t need any more food to make yourself even fatter”.  Not ideal.  I grunted in response to the BBQ question, and sulked/wallowed a bit more until Mum got back from the supermarket.  I opened the fridge and for the first time ever – cried at the sheer amount of food she had bought, I was completely overwhelmed and felt terrible.  ‘Normal’ people can eat as much as they feel comfortable with and then stop but I can’t do that, I always have to prove a point to (a) my family – to show them I’m giving it 100%, and (b) myself – to show myself that I can do it.  I always eat way more than I need to, because if I don’t I feel as if I’m not giving ‘recovery’ my best shot.  It has turned a full 180 – I used to feel guilty for eating, now I feel guilty if I don’t eat EVERYTHING.  ALL THE TIME.

Anyway, the BBQ food was just way over the top.  Mum bought enough to feed a small country despite the fact there are only 4 of us in our family.  No 4 people could ever eat the amount of meat, pasta, bread, salad, potatoes etc that she bought so it managed to provide our dinner for Sunday as well.  The actual food was lovely, we had 2 different types of Burgers, Lamb & Chicken kebabs, Salmon, Sausages, Trout and lots of lovely sides.  I ate outside with the fam while Dad provided a seemingly never ending supply of BBQ’d goodies…and then slomped on back upstairs.  It was a really really horrible week and I don’t think I can pin down why I felt so awful and down.

This week I’ve felt much brighter, and my body image isn’t as bad as it was last week when I could easily have chopped off my legs.  I even went shopping yesterday and managed NOT TO CRY!  Yey.  I bought a pair of jeans 2 sizes bigger than I like to, 4 tops/t-shirts, a pair of shorts and…a maxi dress!  Now this is a very big deal for me, because I’m definitely not a girly girl.  I don’t wear skirts, and have worn a dress precisely 3 times in my life (1 x Bridesmaid and 2 x Graduation ball where jeans are apparently frowned upon).  Plus, I’m short so I thought Maxi dresses would trail along the floor like a wedding dress train but this one just scrapes a little bit.  It is an absolute miracle worker – it completely hides my Buddha belly, you can’t see the saddlebags or lumpy thighs, and it makes my waist look tiny!  In fact, it pretends I actually have a waist which is no mean feat.  Oh, and it’s from Primark so cost bugger all so even if I’m not brave enough to ever wear it I don’t feel too bad wasting money.  I’m pretty pleased with my t-shirts, I bought a couple of vests because I have proper real life flab/bingo wings now and not scary skinny bony things and I don’t feel embarrassed to show my shoulders.  Just slightly very self conscious about the flabby bits.  However I am now calling them ‘soft’ rather than flabby because it sounds less gross.

I know they’re VERY creased. Oh, and the dress is forgivingly stretchy too (I’m not that shape!)

I have a feeling this week coming will be another testing one, mostly because of the bank holiday.  I tend to find bank holidays a bit harder than normal days because the whole fam is around and I constantly stress over how I seem to be eating 24/7 and nobody else bothers with breakfast/snacks/lunch.  Well apart from Dad, he eats if you count mini rolls and toast.  Oh, and weetabix – that’s the extent of his culinary expertise.  I should also say that Mum is trying a lot harder more recently, she is eating better and things between us have been far less tense.  I hope she carries on this way, and hope that what we talked about a few weeks ago has finally sunk in and she keeps it up.

Tuesday was particularly “fun” because I spent 4 hours on a ‘speed awareness course’.  I got caught speeding a few weeks ago (on my way home from a friggin’ Doctors appointment – I should have tried to get out of it for extenuating circumstances “Erm, Officer, I was busy gaining weight and had to get to the supermarket quickly….”) so I was offered taking a speed awareness course and paying £80 rather than getting 3 points on my license.  Oh joy.  I’ve also managed to misplace license since then so will have to fork out for a new one, this will be the fourth one I’ve managed to lose (I swear I’m not disorganised apart from when it comes to my paper & card license!).  We have also managed to eat out more than we’ve eaten in this week, mostly due to laziness and my parent’s obsession with big meals.  We went to another comedy gig on Tuesday which was really ace (and made up for the morning on the speed awareness course), and I couldn’t resist scoffing an ice cream pot in the interval, less than an hour after eating my stonking 3 course meal.  I always feel better mentally when I eat loads, but then hate the physical effect (i.e the flab softness).

I’m still on the job hunt, possibly the most disheartening process ever.  Teachers had to hand in their resignations by May 31st so most jobs will be advertised around now and if I’m not successful – I will be looking for other jobs in admin or something.  I can’t hang around the house eating forever, I need to meet actual real life people and remember how to have a conversation with people other than my family.  Scary stuff!

I think that’s about it really, some really inexplicably tough days mixed in with some marginally brighter ones.  I still can’t help thinking I look bigger than I should do, and bigger than ‘suits’ me but I can’t do anything about that right now so I’ll just keep on keeping on…