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anorexia, body image, cake, calorie counting, Difficulties, Doctor, eating disorder, Eating Out, ED, Fat, food, mental health, recovery, Worries
Literally and metaphorically.
The UK seems to be basking in sunshine these last few days but not where I am! Tuesday was nice and sunny, yesterday was grey and cloudy and today looks to be the same. It is mirroring the state of my mind at the moment.
I am up another 2.2kg in 2 weeks, seriously, wtf is wrong with me and why is this gain not stopping?! Scrap that, I know the answer – I’m eating too much. My mind is so conflicted at the moment and I feel like screaming, I’m sick of writing blog posts saying the same old crap but I need to let it out somewhere.
Since I began eating a decent amount, my weight has done nothing but rocket. I haven’t maintained, lost, had a little gain – I’ve had monster gains. I was ok(ish) with this initially, because I wanted to get healthier and get myself out of the danger zone. Now I’m out of the danger zone, I hoped my body would begin to work and cope with my intake (which isn’t excessive) but it isn’t. It’s just gaining and gaining and gaining and bleugh. I feel rotten.
I am confused about what I actually want. I want the best of ALL worlds and it seems that’s impossible. I want to be able to eat heartily and not constantly gain weight but obviously that isn’t possible, not with me anyway. My intake for the last few months has only been 2500, it isn’t as if I’m eating 10,000 calories a day but my body seemingly can’t process this amount of food.
My immediate thought was to lower my intake. This is where the conflict starts. I could lower my intake without feeling deprived, sometimes. It would depend on what we ate for dinner, but sometimes I could manage on less food. Other times I would feel as if I ‘couldn’t’ have that chocolate, or ‘shouldn’t’ have that cake because it would bring my intake up too high and I’d keep gaining. I want to stop now. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I feel.
I hoped getting ‘healthy’ would bring energy, it’s done the opposite. I walked for 10 minutes the other day and my legs felt as if they were going to explode, my calves were burning up and my joints are so sore. More-so than when I was restricting. I questioned this with the Doctor, asking why I feel 100 times worse now I’m healthy and he replied “well, when you were a lower BMI you didn’t require a lot of energy to move around, now there is more bulk to move so it will be harder on your body with the additional weight” HA!! Truth hurts. He’s totally right though, and he also said to be patient and not expect everything to change as quickly as the weight has/is.
I think because I was stuck for so many years at BMI 14/5 thinking I was ok because it was a big improvement on my worst, and because I could still function and get on – as soon as I realised I needed to make a final push past the discharge weight and properly get better, I wanted it NOW. Being stuck for so long made me want an instant cure as soon as my logical mind realised things weren’t right. Now I’ve done the weight bit, but I want the rest of it to catch up NOW. I am a lot more impatient that I thought I was.
So yeah, I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m still eating the minimum intake I set myself, and not knowing whether I should or not. I want to stop so so badly because I don’t recognise this body I’m in, I don’t feel any better for being a higher weight. In fact I feel worse, physically and mentally. I doubted it was even possible, but I actually feel less confident than I did because I’m walking around in a strangers body with rolls of flab I don’t recognise.
On a lighter note, it was my brothers birthday yesterday and we went to an odd but nice restaurant. I ate Crocodile, Ostrich, Springbok and Kudu (I passed on the Zebra) and a HUGE hunk or carrot cake and ice cream for pud. Nom nom. We got him a birthday cake as well so that’s tonight’s pud sorted 🙂
I truly hope I get some sort of acceptance soon or I know what will happen, things will slip right back where they were. If I can’t get acceptance, I’d settle for some slowing in the weight gain. I hope brighter skies on on the way.
Have your cake and eat it 
Wow … the journey is long. You always remind me of where i’ve been … and that it IS POSSIBLE to come to terms with food consumption. BELIEVE it or not … food will not mean everything to you one day. You will eat yummy goodies, and just “some” and that will be grand. You will not feel like you need 1/4 cake to satisfy your desire. REALLY. i wouldn’t lie about this stuff … i struggled too long and hard to let go of all that poo. Keep working … reach out to other stuff besides food, and soon it will have it’s place. I know you want to slap me for saying this … oh well, but food will fade, and life will reveal itself as it’s supposed to … all things in their place …
So long! I keep forgetting that. I think because the weight piled on quickly when I really set my mind to recovery it’s all happened quite fast and I need to remember that other stuff will take a lot longer to sort out.
I really appreciate your message, and hope my focus shifts from food to life sooner rather than later. I think I need to find out what ‘life’ is all about since I’ve been engrossed in eating and/or not eating for so long! Thanks again, you’ve given me some hope 🙂 x
I think I’m somewhere between both of your stages of recovery. Thank you, HYC, for reminding me of how far I’ve come; it will get easier. And thank you, iamnotshe, for reminding me of how much better things can still get.
Thank you Nechama, it’s always good to hear things get better and they will for you too. 🙂
It’s rubbish just waiting isn’t it? Once you’ve done so much hard work and all you want to do is bask in it but instead, all you can do is have a nap. I am always so exhausted it’s horrible. I eat like a normal person, yet find myself struggling to stay away whilst studying (whilst conversely, struggling to fall asleep at night). Sometimes moving a little bit can get me up and running better (10 mins hula hooping in the garden usually :D), but mostly, I just drink lots of caffeine and hope for the best. You’ll get muscles back though. Just a shame that they have to start off as fat tissue so you get the weight without the strength first :(.
When it comes to weight gain, it’s up to you what you do. I think you probably know the options avaliable to you and what way you want to go with it. There isn’t a one size fits all way to recover, so just go with whatever seems right to you. If that means gaining a bit more, go for it. Gain can be speedy, it can be slow, it can be a lot of things, but mostly it’s unpredictable. There isn’t really a way to tell how your weight will change from one week to another if your diet remains similar. It could slow tomorrow, it could slow in two weeks if you get me. One thing though, you should never feel deprived. If you’re feeling deprived then it’s just sad. I’m maintaining right now, yet I’ll still eat things that look tasty just because they look tasty. Sometimes I eat lots and lots. Obvs I’d hate if I gained a whole load, but in reality, if I did it’d be because I needed to. And with a lack or period I probably could benefit from it.
Whatever you decide to do with your intake, remember if you don’t have a period yet, more weight gain isn’t necessarily bad. And also that 2500 isn’t all that much and plenty of people eat that pretty much daily and don’t gain or lose once they reach there set point. And also, don’t even think about lowering your intake too much. You know what that’ll mean.
I swear down this whole process is so bloody long and tiring. It’s properly battygash sometimes.
Feel nice x.
Proper proper rubbish. More so than I expected and think this is the lowest I’ve felt, which is also annoying because I hoped/thought everything was meant to be brighter, better and happier when the weight was on but turns out that’s not true. In my case anyways.
The Dr mentioned moving around a bit, his face was a picture when he asked what I do all day (sit and eat) “Really, nothing? (nope) No hobbies? (nope) Job? (nope) Friends? (nope) Do you go anywhere? (nope) Oh.” I feel guilty for moving around though which is so weird, almost as if I’m not trying hard enough and compromising recovery if I do anything which is RIDICULOUS I know. I need a happy medium and I’ve taken the ‘sedentary’ guidelines super literally.
With the gain, it’s just really disheartening that it hasn’t even started to slow down, like not even a tiny bit and I’m not eating huge amounts. My body just doesn’t deal with normal amounts of food well evidently. The Dr said there’s 3 options and he’d be happy with any of them and it’s up to me what I do, (1) stay here (2) get to BMI 20 (3) get to BMI 22. Option 2 isn’t far off anyway so I’m going to keep my intake the same for a few weeks I think. I just hope I stop gaining super fast. He did say option 3 would look ‘odd’ on me judging by build etc so I don’t know, just see how it goes. If only there was a 100% foolproof recipe for recovery eh?
Thank you for your advice dear, and you get the award for ‘Word of the day’ in “Battygash” – that’s a new one on me and I’m sure Sooz will love it! haha x
Alright so I think I have to stop believing what people in recovery say about their weight. I swear down you and Sooz made me honestly believe you were way bigger than you are. Your bmi isn’t even 20! You still need to gain for sure. Also, you might need to gain past 22 – your Dr is a bit of an inconsiderate wasteman for suggesting otherwise. Seriously, isn’t the advice between 20-25 anyway? No one knows what they’ll end up or what’ll look right till they’re there. Regardless of that though, there is so much research that a bmi of 20+ is protective against relapse. 20 is an absolute minimum. And here I was actually convinced you would beover that and worrying. It’s all this talk like “my weight has rocketed” or “more than healthy weight” is so deceptive.
Get your bmi up higher first, then see how you feel and how the weight gain goes. It will slow when your closing in on an actually healthy weight for you. You’re just not actually at minimum weight yet, and your healthy minimum might be higher. You never know.
Your Dr sounds like a prick. Just saying.
x.
I don’t mean to deceive anybody, but to me – I AM huge. This is the biggest I have ever been in my life, and I didn’t develop an ED until I was 21/22 years old when I was lighter and slimmer than I am now so in comparison, this is big.
The Doc was going off my family history and my build when he was talking about the weight, I have been underweight my entire life and yet ‘healthy’ until I got an ED so he said it was an educated guess on his part. I don’t know what my weight ‘should’ be, because I’ve passed the weight I knew as an adult and I can’t help but feel uncomfortable in a body I’ve never been in.
I did tell him I’d continue to gain despite hating it. He said with some people if you push them to get to a BMI of 22 it is damaging psychologically and may lead to relapse, but it’s heading that way anyway tbh.
I don’t mean to say ‘I’m fucking huge’ but to me, it’s the way I look and feel. Being 7 BMI points bigger than I have been is hard. If I had been the weight I am now pre-ed I wouldn’t mind, but I wasn’t, so that’s why it’s difficult. Sorry if you thought I was BMI 454684531684. xx
Oh no no no no. I wasn’t haven’t a go or anything. My only point is that how the way we as percieve ourselves and talk about ourselves is just so different from fact. I did it too I think. And we are just so convinced, but it’s just ED talk. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault, but a little bit mine for not making the link, and mostly the ED being a cunt. Seriously.. I just think it’s sad how much we absolutely believe these things so much we become so convincing. It’s not decipt because it’s not lies, but actually, it’s all ED. It makes me really sad. Don’t feel like you have to justify it to me though. I totally get that it’s absolutely fact as far as feelings are concerned, even if not in the numbers. You don’t have to justify that. Trust, I’m right there with you.
I don’t think your Dr is right about pushing people to high though. I think that you just need to get to a healthy weight for your body, but that’s not exactly something you can choose. Lots of research suggests you are more likely to relapse at lower weights than higher ones because you never actually recover physically. I’m probably one of them that has to go higher, from your history you are way more likely not to be. Some people overshoot in recovery, but the weight will go back to where it naturally sits. I still don’t think you should tell a patient with an ED they’d look wrong at a perfectly healthy weight though.
I say all of this, but I don’t listen to it. I most definiely look hideious and have grown speedily to a weight that’s entirely ridiculous.
Sorry. I didn’t mean you to have to justify yourself.
x.
I HATE my disordered talk! So much. Sometimes hard to distinguish what is me and what is disordered.
We are definitely agreed on the fact the Doc is a numpty. And saying the weight would look odd on my did wonders for the eating disorder, but not so much for the ‘real me’!
You know what though? There’s more to life than frickin’ weight and calories and doctors and BLEUGH! Lets just eat cake x
Completely agree with the doc sounding like a prick! A sneaky one, too!!
And ohhhh whats a battygash!! Is the doc one, too?
I have no idea what battygash is but I’m almost certain the Doctor is one/it. I like that word.
Agh Im with you. Im serious,I think Im able to gain on eating 250cals a day right now! I dont know what the fuck is wrong. Or, lie. I do. I mistreated my body and it’s storing everything it can because my mind is still sendin mixed messages. ‘Ohhhh Im getting fat tomorrow Im gonna start restricting again!’. Uhh yeah way to go on the trust thing Sooz. So yeah. Awesome.
And THE SUN IS SOO BLOODY HOT HERE, which I love cuz Im an Asian at heart (like, a reverted bounty I guess) but Im stuck behind the computer all day feeling even MORE fat. Ugh!
OUR LIVES SUCK AND BOOHOO because we WILL have to gain more to get everything functioning properly again. Cheers to that 😉
Why isn’t it slowing at all?! I was happy to gain weight when I needed to – but I feel way past ‘healthy’ now and it’s still going up fast, getting on my frickin’ nerves. It depresses me that I can’t eat a normal person’s amount of food and not get fat. Jealous of your sun! We had a wee bit this afternoon but not enough to sort out my pasty pegs. I want to come to Cuba with you 😦
(P.S I’m not cheering the ‘gain more’ bit, I’ll cheer to you instead!)
Haha! Get yourself a cheerleading costume! Maybe Ellie’s advice on not-covering up your least liked body parts will make an entrence then as well? haha 😉 Ahhh you can cheer me on in any outfit, as long as you’ve got pompoms!
And I know right. Even though I KNOW I’m not HUGE, I’m bigger and heavier than ever. And I dont mind the weight itself, it’s just that.. I’m also FATTER than ever, you know? Its all blobs and stuff, completely untoned. Disgusting to FEEL, to BE in. Why is it not stopping, you ask? I have no idea. What I wonder is; how on earth did I let things get this far?!
I am so with you on this. Nobody would look at us and think we were obese, or fat even, but when you’re wearing rolls and wobbley fat which is all new it’s hard to be rational.
Hi
Very few women regardless of if they had or did not an ed are at the weight they were in their 20’s. 20’s is still very young and your body is still maturing so really you can’t compare to the past.
Also there has been many studies that at least a bmi of 20 if not more is needed for brain and body recovery in ed. I stated this before and was told many times that if you try to control your body by even 5 pounds you will be unhealthy and go have to go to extremes.
I know a couple people who gained quick and also gained past the bmi set for them. My one good friend especially when I was in residential. It caused her a lot of anxiety and fear but being inpatient and she wanted full recovery she stuck to her mp. Over the next year her weight actually began to drop into a bmi range that was healthy for her on the same calories she gained. Her metabolic rate increased and her body became less confused.
I know it is scary and you feel you are gaining quick but remind yourself of the facts. I know you feel you are out of danger but medical complications can happen still from not being in a healthy bmi range. The facts of full recovery.
I am not taking away from your progress because you have made so much and trust me I understand the fear but I hope you continue to move forward and focus on your goals.
Sending sunshine and happier times too
“over the next year” she her weight stabilized.
One word: Ugh.
(But yes, I know you’re absolutely right. My word should have been; Patience)
BAT-TY-GASH.
Hahahaha!! ❤
Yes I understand that to be true as well (about BMI 20+) which is why I am continuing on my meal plan despite the nagging feeling it may not be right for me. And also despite the fact I absolutely hate everything I see right now because it’s summer, and I’m covering up flab.
Thank you for your comment, you talk a lot of sense 🙂
Hey. I am proud of you for sticking to the mp. Trust me though I really understand and feel so uncomfortable in my body as well because I have never been this high either but also I was younger pre ed. So I hope in time it gets easier.
Mundane I know a year seems so long but in the overall picture especially with how long a battle can be it is not I guess. The brain after a year too of healthy body and behaviors gets even clearer.
Some too is the facts because you are not at a bmi of 20 for ex and so in no way can you be covering flab. Now I know because it is a change where your weight is healthier it seems like flab but it is called healthy. If you look at the average women yes she has some but that is healthy.
May I ask how old you are? I was thinking about this cause like I said I am the heaviest but pre ed I was young and now 33. So as time goes on the body changes. Things sag,move,I don’t know and I guess it is about accepting the changes and focusing on health and life goals that are important. It is like when I get wrinkles I am not one to get botox or surgery so what can I do but accept it and I guess weight needs to be the same.
Sorry to ramble on. I tend to do this.
Keep up the good work and maybe get some nice summer skirts? I also cover up a lot plus am not a fan of shopping.
You aren’t rambling at all, I appreciate your input, it’s good to get advice from those who know what you’re talking about.
I’m 28 next month (with bugger all to show for it!) so it’s no surprise I’m heavier now than I was at 21/22, it’s just difficult psychologically. And the flab? It’s definitely there. I think it’s a lack of muscle and no toning whatsoever which is contributing to all the wobbley bits but you’re right, I need to shift my focus to more important goals.
Skirts are a definite no-no. Unfortunately I have very visible cellulite from my ankles upwards which I can’t stand and I wouldn’t put anybody through seeing that! I will have to brave the shops for some long skirts maybe, if I were taller I’d get a maxi dress but with my height it would scrape along the floor like a wedding train!
Thanks again x
The maxi’s are all I wear in summer, just to cover up. Last summer I wore them to cover up for the opposite reason of this year though. Which is a hell of a change in one year. And very confrontating I must say…
I’m 23 and not as much flab as it is rolls. My torso is all rolls. Unheard of. It is especially weird because I’m not my ‘normal’ weight again, but I am bigger and especially a LOT ‘fatter’ (as in, torso rolls, large calves and thighs touching, which were all three things I never had before, not even when I was heavier in my most up-up-upweight ever). I cant quite deal with it, honestly. And I feel incredibly guilty for every bite I take, but also for every minute I think about feeling like this. It’s like… Get over it already. I cry myself a sleep every single night because I can’t stand the feeling of being/lying down in this body of mine without anything to take my mind off of it. It’s so…. humiliating. These feelings are so… ‘belittling’…
“I don’t recognise this body I’m in, I don’t feel any better for being a higher weight. In fact I feel worse, physically and mentally.”
I could have written this. My weight gain has pretty much stopped though. But I keep feeling depressed. It comes and goes. I am getting sick of being this blue. I was expecting to be better.
It is difficult. I think we have to be patient, it will take time to adjust I suppose but I think because I’d psyched myself up so much to recover and have this amazing revelation of recovery and I’d get my life, friends, energy and enthusiasm back…and have not got any of it yet! I say yet, because I hope it does come. I hope you get some acceptance too, I must say from your blog photos you are very slim and should be out there making the most of Canada! 🙂 Thank you for your comment x
It’s so hard isn’t it! We have put our lives on hold for so long, and now it’s such a slow process with life there ahead of us but still all this hard work and waiting to do first. Patience is easy to say, and so hard to have. I wish it was easier, because it’s hard to not give up during the long slow slog when often there doesn’t seem like much to show for all your hard work. But remember how far you have come. How much better life is now. How much better you are physically. You have a chance to have a life now instead of only dying. There are things you can do that before you couldn’t. It took a lot of faith and patience for you to get this far, you can keep on going. Hang in there and remember fear cannot kill us, it’s our reaction to fear that does it, and that’s defintely something we can control.
I hope things get better for you – hang in there. You are on the right path.
Also because I appreciate your encouragement so much, I’ve nominated you for a reader’s appreciation award 🙂 xx
http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/reader-appreciation-award-and-shalimar-photo-bom
Sorry for my late reply. I can relate to what everyone is saying and am sorry for everyones pain.
A few thoughts, see for myself this time when I fully entered recovery because I had tried many times over 12 years though not fully, anyhow I knew things in life would not just get better because I was healthy. So I was realistic and knew things would feel worse before they got better. I lost everything to my ed friends,family,jobs, and was a mental mess because I had ed so long and facing that plus the emotions,issues,my anxiety/depression was going to be so hard and it has been. I feel in the long run to get a better life one has to be healthy. I keep reminding myself and will to all of you that just because life is hard or X is a struggle that it is not ok to use the ed or self destruct. I try to think of people without ed past or other addictions/mental illness. If they have a bad day for example they just accept it and move on. The key is here they move on. When one self detructs it is hard if not near impossible to move on. Am I making sense?
Cake like you I wish it was easy to regain the things like you stated friends. I have started to do group activities for hobbies and take classes. Even though I am not good at them still it gets me out,pushes through my comfort zone,and helps to not isolate. What about something like that?
I agree that patience is key and not acting in the moment. I act sometimes out of anxiety not just with ed but in life issues. If I can step back,take a deep breath,and think it can help to not act on impulse.
Mundane I am sorry you cry yourself to sleep. I have had similar times especially in the start of weight restoration. Even now I have days where my head is spinning with thoughts where I just cry from it all. I wish I had answers other then I do feel as time goes it lessons. Why do yo feel you humiliated? I understand guilt because I have some of that. I try to think of what I would feel for lets say you and I think getting healthy is being strong. You are trying to better yourself and the same with everyone here.
Hope all stay strong and better times are ahead
‘as times goes it lessons’. You probably misspelled what you meant (lessens?) but I love the misspelling. As time goes on, it LESSONs. Amen to that