I had an interview today, and although I’m yet to get the ‘thanks, but no thanks’ call – I know it’s coming. They are interviewing all day today and all day tomorrow so at least I won’t spend tonight staring at my phone waiting for it to ring…I’ll just spend all day tomorrow doing it instead.
I know my attitude is defeatist, but it’s also realistic. I won’t have got the job because there are plenty of teachers who are more experienced, more enthusiastic, more knowledgeable, more suited, more everything. This, along with the fact I do not interview well doesn’t hold me in good stead. My brain has recently decided to forget every lesson I have taught, every scenario which may be useful to discuss in interview, and even how to be coherent. I am essentially a bumbling idiot.
Despite the fact I know this, I continue to apply in the hope that somebody will give me a chance. However, if I did ever manage to secure a job – I’d panic unbelievably.
Having scraped through the PGCE, I don’t think I’m cut out for full time teaching. The course was intense to say the least, and the actual profession is even more so. Forget 9am – 3pm, more like 7.30am – 5.30pm and then shed loads of marking and planning when you finally get home. I don’t know if I have the strength for it. Part of the interview was to teach a 30 minute lesson last week and to be honest, I couldn’t wait to leave. I was mentally and physically exhausted after only 30 minutes teaching a pretty unsuccessful lesson so I don’t think I’d ever manage to do this full time. It is both frustrating and irritating that I was able to cope with the course at a lower BMI and now I am physically “healthy” I’m a weakling. My body isn’t reacting the way I’d hope to better nutrition. My bones ache, my joints are incredibly sore and I feel weaker now than I ever have. I knelt down to sort out some papers and it took a ridiculous amount of effort to stand up again, my knees feel like they’ll give way at any minute. I’m trying my hardest not to blame my ever increasing weight for this! I have gained, but surely not enough to make moving my bulk around this difficult?!
Success stories of recovery are often filled with a renewed enthusiasm for life, energy to ‘get out there’ and enjoy whatever it is that has been missing through the years of being Eating Disordered but I am yet to see any of this. I know it takes time, but it feels like as soon as I genuinely realised I had a problem everything has become 10 times harder. I was able to cope when I was oblivious to the problem, able to plan lessons, teach, even bloomin’ talk but now I’m second guessing everything I do and every choice I make just in case it may be a disordered choice that I wasn’t aware of. It’s tiring. I feel like I should be appreciating my new found apparent ‘health’ but I’m far from it. Still as anti social, still as panicky, even more tired.
General recovery wise, it’s up and down as always. Some days are fine, others I become obsessive again and the routines get the better of me. I managed to break the routine today a little, swapping my usual Hot Chocolate, Malt Loaf and PB/Nutella snack for a Solero Ice Cream and a Smoothie because the sun has FINALLY made an appearance! I’m such a child, the first sign of sun and I’m right there with ice cream. That afternoon snack suited the weather much more and it felt good to have a change from the usual snack. We also had a lovely meal last night which ended with possibly the nicest Sticky Toffee Pudding I’ve ever had. If I see it on the menu there aren’t many other puds I’d choose over it so I’ve tasted a fair few but this was particularly good, with some nice ice cream to go with it. We went to a comedy gig afterwards which was brilliant, for those 2 hours I was reminded how to laugh!
I have sent out another application today, but when there are 200+ people for applying for each vacancy I don’t rate my chances. Then again, I don’t know if deep down I really want that chance. My mind is so confused, I’ve been working towards being a teacher for what feels like forever but since I’ve begun putting all my energy into recovery, I don’t know what to do now I’m at a healthy weight. ‘Recovery’ can’t take precedent any more and I can’t use it as an excuse I need to get out there and grow up. Whether that involves teaching or not I’m not so sure.