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I’ve had a (fairly) busy couple of weeks, mostly involving my Mum’s Birthday where she somehow managed to accumulate 3 Birthday meals and 3 Birthday cakes (which I obviously helped to eat!)  Despite eating out quite a bit these past few weeks but it’s not been too stressful at all.  Apart from Monday’s meal, which was terrifying to be fair as both the starter and the main course were in an absolute ton of cream which wasn’t specified on the menu.  I didn’t freak (outwardly), inside I was scared, but I ate them both with no complaints and it wasn’t as bad as I expected.  But really, if a dish is going to be swimming in cream I’d appreciate the menu saying “fish will be drowned in a sea of cream”!

Wednesday saw a catch up with the Dietitian.  Anybody who has read this blog before will know she was absolutely no use whatsoever and ended our appointments because progress was minimal despite the fact I doubled my food intake and she had nothing to add to my daily eats.  Well, yesterday’s appointment was just about as useful as the rest.  I asked if I could have another appointment with her to check my weight and see how far off I might be to being weight restored and to get an idea of what I should be eating.  I know how to lose weight, and I know how to gain weight but I have absolutely no idea how to eat like a ‘normal’ person.

I got nothing from the appointment.  Nothing other than a lot of “I can’t believe how much progress you’ve made!  It’s amazing, you look fantastic, you’re ‘present’, you have a spark about you” – lies.  It’s true I’ve gained weight, but my head is in the exact same place it was 3 months ago when I last saw her.  I’ve gone up 4 BMI points since then, so the gains have been ok but I don’t feel any different in my mind.  She couldn’t believe how much I had gained considering I gained bugger all during the 4 appointments I had with her, even saying “sometimes people just need a break, don’t you think?”No.  No I don’t.  I think people need support, advice, assurance, information and understanding.  The ED team I was referred to couldn’t, or wouldn’t provide this.  I got all of my information from either other people’s blogs on here, or from Gwyneth Olwyn’s website which was the most reassuring thing I have read throughout recovery.

I’m still not sure what I’m meant to be doing now.  I have no idea whether I should be keeping my intake high despite it being a real struggle to reach 2500 some days (admittedly it’s a lot easier when eating out), or whether I should slow down as I’ve passed my pre-ed weight and size.  I don’t have my period yet but the Dietitian thinks it should appear within a couple of months, so do I keep gaining weight or try and maintain?  I have no idea.  She wasn’t concerned about the overeating in the evening as long as I wasn’t purging but I hate the way it makes me feel.  Gross and full and greedy.  The Dietitian did say not to push myself too hard to reach 2500 and it’s not the end of the world if I don’t meet it – but that’s another contradiction in my brain.  All the information I’ve read says 2500 calories minimum and any deficits can compromise recovery so I’ve been obsessively reaching that number even on days I feel ill and I’m scared of messing everything up if I don’t keep my uptake high.  I’m torn.  The weight gain isn’t slowing at all though which is scary, another 1.5kg this week…surely I can’t have that much more to gain?!  I really want to maintain because I don’t think I can deal with constantly gaining as much as I am.

I am not going to sign off this post with the usual “I hate xxx about my body” rant, instead, photos of some of the Birthday cakes Mum got.  The first is one her friends had custom made for her, the driver is an exact likeness apart from the boobs – which my Dad remarked should be changed for the eyes!

Mum's friends got her a custom made cakeCake number 2 is a Chocolate Brownie Cake which allegedly serves 40, this photo is after 10 slices.  Lovely cake but VERY dense and sickly:

Didn’t get a photo of cake no’3, but this is Monday’s Pud which was bootiful.  I’ve never eaten a souffle before and it wasn’t what I expected but very nice.  Came with a toffee apple and an apple and vanilla shot.

P.S I’ve pretty much been offline for a whole 3 days because my laptop decided to die.  I am quite worried about quite how lost I felt without it, I need to catch up on some blog reading!