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Thank you to those who helped to rationalise my ramble last week after the Doctor’s appointment.  I’m pleased to say that I gave myself a stern talking to, a much needed kick up the arse and got over it/accepted it!  Sometimes I really just need to vent frustrations, and although my questions and insecurities may seem ridiculous to other people I’ve found by getting it written down I’m able to process my thoughts and make more sense of them.  Once I’ve done that, I realise how silly I sound and I can become more reasoned.

Wednesday evening, after the weigh in(s) I text my Dad to ask him if he could pick up some more scones on his way home.  Not just any scones though.  I have a fruit scone every night, but there is one type of scone I used to LOVE…but then gradually it became too scary and I stopped eating it.  In an attempt to fight back at the horrible disordered thoughts, I asked him to get some of these, Morrison’s ‘The Best’ Scones.  They’re dense, crumbly, buttery, and covered in sugar.  Perfect.  So since Wednesday I’ve eaten all 4 :).

Thursday, I was going to a comedy gig and suggested we go for a meal before hand.  I was pretty proud of myself here, first because I could have had something safe at home instead of eating out, but mostly because of what I ate.  I ordered a flatbread pizza with prawns and peppers (with cheese and everything, but it didn’t taste ‘cheesy’ so it was ok) and a honeycomb cheesecake for pud.  I forgot to take a photo but luckily google has provided this one from the same restaurant.  It tasted ok, but I expected it to be a bit more like a Cadbury’s Crunchie and it didn’t blow me away.  Cheesecake is a major fear food for me so I’m pleased I had it.

When we arrived at the venue, I nipped to the loo before the first comedian came on and saw this on the toilet roll dispenser.  In the past, I really haven’t been one for ‘inspiring quotes’ and all that jazz, but I’m trying to open my mind a lot more and while I would have dismissed this or perhaps not even have noticed it in the past – this really made me smile.  I appreciated that somebody had gone out of their way to write this and stick it somewhere visible in the hope that it may have an effect on somebody.  And it certainly did.

After the first comedian, another trip to the loo was needed (that’s what 1 bloody beer does to me!)  Different cubicle this time, different message:

Then I was on a mission.  I ran in and out of each cubicle (fortunately, I was the only person in there) to see what the message would be.

The last message I saw was particularly apt:

The gig was brilliant, the meal before hand was lovely and I didn’t forget to have a snack on the drive home despite still being full.  Overall, a good day.

I’ve been eating an awful lot more in the day time recently, and on some days have found myself absolutely starving by the time it’s snack/lunch/dinner time, other days not so much but I’m still eating regardless of hunger.  Adding in a lot more calorie dense foods, and it’s becoming easier to not feel guilty.  (Sometimes.  Not all the time, but more often).  Night time overeating is still there, but to be honest I don’t care as much.  Yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it’s guilt inducing, yes it makes me feel crappy but it’s no worse than I felt not eating and it gets me closer to being fully weight restored and healthy again.

Saturday we had another meal out, at an international restaurant I absolutely love.  It’s one of my favourite places, but it’s quite scary food-wise.  Their food is unusual, and pretty much 99% of the starters are deep fried.  We shared 4 starters (fried Calamari, fried sweetcorn fritters, fried spring rolls and not fried(!) chicken satay).  The presentation and flavour combinations are so good here, the sweetcorn fritters came with a strange caramel syrup thing which was tangy but sweet at the same time.  For main, I ordered Seabass & yellow bean sauce with rice and then dessert.  Ohhhh dessert.

I have the same thing most times I go to this place, but I haven’t been in a while, well, since I’ve been actively trying to recover.  I used to choose this because it’s the most sickly chocolate & chilli brownie you will ever eat – and I would have built myself up (for a week or so) to prepare for it because it’s so good but so rich.  Now I’m properly recovering, there’s no build up, no compensating, just pure enjoyment.  There was a new dessert which caught my eye though, an Orange & Ginger Syrup Sponge.  I couldn’t decide between the two, so asked Mum if she wanted to split them both.  We each had half choc-chilli brownie with vanilla ice cream, and half orange & ginger sponge with stem ginger ice cream.  I felt so full of stodge afterwards but it was a genuinely happy full.  Mum commented how much she loves us all eating out together, and I think the fact I was completely unrestricted made the whole night a lot better.  We ate, chatted, and I wasn’t consumed with guilt.   Oh, then I did get a bit too greedy and finished off Dad’s pud because he didn’t like it (erm, who doesn’t like doughnut fingers and chocolate dipping sauce?!)

Again, I forgot to take a photo but this is the exact Brownie I usually have (and I have to say – that is a proper huge dinner plate it’s sat on, the brownie is approx 5 inch square of dark chocolate, walnuts, pistachios and spicy chilli).  I cannot describe just how nice it is!

OH, that’s another BIG deal (for me) from this week.  In the past few weeks I’ve been staring longingly at Jam doughnuts, have got as close as the till with them and then eventually wimped out and left them, but on Friday, in another fight against stupid disordered thoughts I bought myself a Jam Doughnut.  Heated in the microwave, the jam went nice and gooey and sticky and yum.  Pleased with myself for that as well 🙂

My jeans are so so tight on me now it’s a bit ridiculous.  I wore some skinny jeans last night which I now need to throw out, at one stage they fell of me.  Last night as I literally peeled them off my legs when I got home I noticed there was a deep indent from the seam right down either side of my leg and I poss’ cut off some blood circulation.  Strangely I didn’t feel bad about it though, those jeans can go for all I care.  I think I was more pleased that I actually filled them out, you could see my bum was back, and because I always used to have a bit of a bum it’s the tell tale sign that when it’s gone – my weight is far too low.  Now it’s back, and I felt quite pleased.  I know moments like this are rare, so I am making a note of it here.  I know I have horrible moments, where I hate the weight gain, hate the cellulite, hate the flab.  And yes, I have gained weight, but I might just look all the better for it.

On the less positive side, my weekend away to see my friends was cancelled.  One friend isn’t feeling well, the other had to work and would have been rushed to get the train, and me, well, I don’t have motivation.  It would have meant a 5 hr trip each way, and I couldn’t face it.  Changes in routine and unfamiliar things aren’t always easy and so we didn’t end up meeting up.  It’s a real shame, because I feel as if I’m losing them and wish we all lived closer together so it would be easier to get together.  They have their own lives, good jobs, one has a child, the other is planning a wedding…and I’m just wrapped in food anxiety.  They don’t need my hassle as they have enough of their own!  I hope that when my weight is up to a healthy BMI which isn’t far off, I’ll have a renewed enthusiasm and motivation to get off my arse and go down to visit them both.  Fingers crossed.  Somehow I doubt it will come as easily as that!