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This weekend, I’m home alone.  Now, I’ve lived away from home for about 6 years on and off so it’s not as if I’ve never been on my own without my family before, but it feels different this time.

Since I’ve moved back to my parents house, we’re usually all here in the evening (they’re at work during the day) but they’re all away this weekend so I’m on my lonesome.

The reason it’s different this time, is because I have complete and utter control over my food intake for two full days and I need to be sensible.  Having complete control over meals isn’t entirely unusual (I make/choose my own food for breakfast/snack/lunch) and we may have different meals on occasions if we’re coming home at different times – but they’re pretty much always aware of what I have/haven’t eaten.  In the past, when I’ve had full control my ED has been pretty happy because I can eat low calorie, safe foods like beans on toast or a stir fry (no oil, obviously) and not be noticed.  I could happily restrict and not be caught out.  This time I’m approaching it differently.  I’ve known they’ll all be away for the weekend for a couple of weeks now, and it’s made me really really anxious because I don’t want to slip.

Although I do tend to feel overwhelmed by our evening meals sometimes because they’re really huge (even for a normal person – that’s not even my ED talking there!) I also appreciate them.  I appreciate them because they constantly challenge the eating disorder, and are meals I wouldn’t cook if I were on my own.  I’ve spent days and days thinking of things I could try and cook, but I’ve never really cooked proper food for myself – I’m a ready meal pro or resort to tinned soup or egg/beans on toast.  I wanted to cook myself something tasty, healthy, but not ‘low calorie healthy’.  All the thinking and reading recipes led to confusion and I got too overwhelmed by the decisions it involved.  What could I cook which is simple, nice but not too safe?  In the end, all my researching was a bit useless & a waste of time because I wimped out and bought a ready meal for tonight.   I have make sure to have a good breakfast, snack and lunch so far today though.  Also bought a sandwich to have for lunch tomorrow (and I finally, eventually got my hands on some more Peanut Butter KitKat chunkys!) so there’s still tomorrow’s dinner to think about.  I’ve got a jacket potato here, which is something we don’t really eat at home so I was debating having that tomorrow but I’m not sure what to have it with other than beans!  Cheese is a no-no.  I thought about prawns, but that’s too safe I think.  Another option was perhaps a proper fresh tuna steak & veg (I’m actually just writing my thoughts down here – I’m aware it’s a ramble of nonsense).  This is why it’s easier to buy a ready meal, eat someone else’s food or just eat out – there’s minimal preparation involved!

Other than that, things have been plodding along.  I’m not challenging myself as much as I was, or as much as I should and I’m still having problems eating too much in the evening.  Even though I don’t feel as if I’m restricting during the day, always having breakfast/lunch/snacks I can’t stop eating after dinner.  I ate a scone, Cadburys Crunchie and packet of Bear Granola Nibbles in the space of half an hour yesterday, less than 10 minutes after I’d eaten a Lamb Curry for dinner.  It leaves me feeling like a big greedy fat pig.  I don’t know if this counts as a ‘binge’ or if it’s just me being greedy.  Things I’ve read on the internet describe a binge as being a whole loaf of bread, packet of biscuits and a tub of butter, are there different types of binges or is it just greed?

Part of me feels horrible & greedy for eating food when I’m full & not under calories for the day but another part is saying ‘so what?  You can afford to eat more‘ but deep down I know it’s not a healthy attitude or mind set.  I wish I could space it out during the day but it doesn’t matter how much I eat in the day time, I could eat shit loads during the day and still eat crap in the evenings.  Has anybody else had this problem?  To be honest it’s not a new problem, as a family we all tend to eat chocolate and crap after dinner, but it’s something I’d like to feel more in control of, especially since my family know when to stop, something I lack.  Or should I just embrace it?  I don’t know.

If anyone has any advice on how to control the overeating (or equally, if you don’t consider it as big of a problem as I do, while I’m still underweight) I’d love to hear it, or if anyone could suggest what to cook for dinner tomorrow I’m open to ideas!  I’ve never been able to figure how to cook for one, I’m not good at scaling recipes up/down and it seems difficult to buy meat in smaller portions.  We need a bigger bloomin’ freezer then I could freeze left overs but alas, it’s full of bread, chips & peas.  Meh.

It’s not all bad though, I made sure to pop into Starbucks today to get one of these for after dinner.  Yum.