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For my own peace of mind, and to double check I hadn’t imagined Wednesday’s rubbish Dietitian appointment, I called the ED service today.  Yep, I’ve pretty much been discharged, apart from a review appointment in 10 weeks time.  As soon as the secretary said ’10 weeks’ I got a bit emotional – poor woman didn’t have a clue what to say & I feel awful to have put her in that position.

I know the Dietitian said she’s pretty much done with me, but I don’t think it sunk in properly and I honestly thought I’d be seen a lot sooner than 10 weeks.  A lot can happen in 10 weeks, weight could be gained, but it could almost certainly be lost and at the moment I don’t feel strong enough to fight this on my own.

I need to be accountable to someone, despite knowing the importance of taking responsibility for my own recovery, I feel like I need somebody to check that I’m heading in the right direction and coming down hard on me if it starts to slip.

I did try to hide the fact I was crying on the phone but my voice went all high pitched, stupid sounding and broken so the secretary said ‘I can hear you’re a bit upset, I’ll put you through to the manager’.  I’d never spoken to this man before, but he said he knew a little about my case, and that after Wednesday’s appointment they had a meeting where it was agreed I wouldn’t have any further input from the service.  I told him I was surprised and thought I would be monitored more regularly.  Considering the Dietitian has done nothing but ‘hammer home’ (her words) how important it is to raise my BMI from the dangerous level it is at now, I wouldn’t have thought they would let me walk away.  I asked was there nothing else I could do, and mentioned the CBT which the Dietitian bought up on Wednesday, I don’t even know what CBT is but I’m willing to give anything a try.  He said he would bring it up at the meeting on Wednesday and see if it would be suitable for me (I think these people only work 1 bloody day a week!).

So basically, at the moment it looks like I’m either going it alone, or perhaps trying CBT.  As much as I say I’m up for trying anything, I’m also annoying sceptical about most things so I need to go in with an open mind (if, that is, I actually see anyone).  Has anybody done CBT?  What is it?  What do you do?!  On the phone he said they use the general term ‘talking therapy’, other than how frustrated I am with this irrational eating disorder I’m not sure I’d know what to talk about, do they prompt you?  I’m better at answering questions than asking or talking!

I was due to go into town with Mum today as she’s off work, but after my phone call to the ED service I kept getting wound up and upset so told her I didn’t fancy going anywhere.  When she asked why, it all came out.  I told her I will fight this on my own if needs be, because I’m not letting it ruin any more of my life.  We spoke about how she, and the rest of my family have been feeling lately.  What she feels she should/shouldn’t do, the fact she feels like she’s treading on egg shells for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing, and how I felt it was important she kept an eye on me.  If she thinks I’m slipping, not to worry about offending me, or me getting defensive – just tell me and I can make sure I’m on top of things.

I’m debating whether to buy some scales and weigh myself every 2 weeks like I have been weighed at the ED service, but might see if Mum can keep them in her room so I’m not tempted to weigh more often than I need to.  Anyone got any thoughts on this?  Good or bad idea?

In other news, I got a print out of the results of my bone scan today from the Doctors, I haven’t spoken to the Doc about them but I don’t think you need a medical degree to interpret the results.  Woop-de-fucking-do I have Osteopenia at the ripe old age of 27.  Things need to change.  Fast.  Yet another motivating factor.

Operation ‘bulk up’ is continuing, with or without professional help and fingers crossed I’ll get there.  I’ve just had a scone, milky way and gigantic slice of iced fruit cake for pudding so I hope that will set me well on my way 🙂

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