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Yesterday saw my fourth, and I assume my last appointment with the Dietitian.

God that woman really knows how to get a rise out of me.  I wouldn’t say I’m a confrontational person at all, I don’t go looking for arguments, I am generally very respectful, I have good manners, I am always polite…but all that goes flying out of the window when I see her.  I don’t know what it is, or why we seem to clash so much, but I heard myself raising my voice and arguing back at her before crying.  Oh dear.

I really wish our conversations were recorded.  She misinterprets things I say (“well, I wrote here that you said you don’t want to compromise, you don’t want to recover”- ERM, NO. I. DID. NOT. I wouldn’t frickin’ be here if I didn’t want rid of this), claims she has said things she hasn’t, denies those she has and because I pulled her up on it – I appear to be a crazy person.  After all, I’m not ‘cognitively sound’ right?  At least that’s what she said last time.

Long story short, she said she’s ‘over the moon’ with my food diary, I get a range of foods, I eat out regularly, and although my diet isn’t nutritionally balanced she wasn’t concerned about that at the moment – weight increase first, proper nutrition after.  She didn’t say as much, but basically there’s nothing more she can do for me until my weight increases.  Apparently she isn’t there to tell me what to eat, or give me a meal plan (naivety on my part perhaps, but I thought that was part of a Dietitians job?) she said she cannot force me to eat certain things, it has to be my choice – and I do agree with her.  However, if I’m not ‘cognitively sound’ as she claims, then surely making the decision to choose certain foods is a major stumbling block?

I tried to explain to her that I find it a lot easier if someone says ‘you need to eat this, this, this and this’, concrete, then I have a guide.  Sometimes I simply cannot trust myself to make the sensible choice, rather than the disordered choice.  It’s not all the time, sometimes the sensible choice does win but there are times when it doesn’t, and I thought by having a structure it might help me.  She doesn’t think I need that since she said there is variety in my diet and I don’t cut out any food groups (apart from the fact I’m terrified of butter, cream, oil…fat….) and despite the fact I have the exact same breakfast (changing spread/toppings) and exact same lunch every. single. day.  When it changes, for example if I am out for whatever reason, it’s stress time.  I take advice literally – she said to have 2 biscuits, I will have 2.  Regardless of whether I want, or could manage 3, I will have 2.  I know I can’t have somebody there telling me how much to eat, how often, but right now I’d rather take orders off somebody else than orders off the stupid side of my brain which enjoys sabotaging recovery.

She asked “You have declined CBT, is there a reason for this?”, I told her I hadn’t declined anything, CBT wasn’t, and hasn’t ever been mentioned.  Claiming we’d discussed it last time (we hadn’t) and I’d dismissed it (I hadn’t), she wanted to know why I didn’t feel it would be helpful.  Now, it’s really difficult to explain to somebody, a professional, that this conversation never actually happened, I have never been offered CBT – I don’t even know what frickin CBT is, so why would I decline something when I don’t know what it is?  I asked her to explain it to me, what it entails, and said I’d like to think about it because it’s not something I’d ever considered.  I feel so naive on this whole recovery thing, I wish I’d have had a proper ‘support network’ when this first appeared.  The Dietitian seemed a bit surprised and disappointed that I had only ever had 1 initial appointment, an immediate inpatient admission and then no follow up care.  Who knows, maybe if I’d have seen somebody after I left hospital rather than just go off and get on with it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.  No point looking back though, I need to look forward.  I need to keep going on with this recovery, and since there was no mention of making another appointment (we usually arrange the next appointment there and then), it looks like I’ll be doing it alone.

Change of subject.  A major motivating factor for recovery is the socialising aspect.  I used to be ‘miss sociable’, could match the boys pint for pint, and love going out.  These days I can’t seem to give up my comfy tracksuit bottoms, hoodie, and spot on the couch.  My friend was due to visit this weekend and I’d prepared myself for it and got all excited…and then she cancelled due to uni work.  It was no big deal, I’m going down to visit her at the start of March anyway so I’ll see her soon and we’ll have a good night out then.  But, she text me last night to say she is coming up now, and if I’m free to let her know.  Is it really really really terrible of me to decline?  Forget I asked that question, I know it is.  I want to go out and have a night drinking and dancing with her, but a huge part of me (about 99%!) is dreading the plans we haven’t even made yet.  I’m not sure if it’s because it’s with this person (who is one of only 3 friends I have, so I’d say she definitely counts as a best friend!) the thing is, she can be a bit…unpredictable.  She is a bit of a loose cannon, and when we used to go out years ago she’d disappear for hours, and on one occasion days on end without hearing a word.  I think it’s a combination of my social ineptitude, and the fear of what could happen which is making me not want to go.  The night out we have planned in a couple of weeks involves my other friend, so there will be 3 of us and I’ll have back up.

I don’t know what to do!  I’ve already made a half excuse, saying I ‘have plans’ but will try to rejig them (an awful, entirely unlikely and unbelievable lie) she will know it’s a lie.  But she knows I’ve had some difficulties so won’t be surprised at all.  I don’t know, it’s a constant argument in my head of ‘Ahhh just go!  Go out and have a laugh!’ where the other half is saying ‘you have no money, there will only be 2 of you which could easily end up just you, you have no clothes to wear, what will you even talk about?  etc etc etc.

Oh the joys of eating disorders and recovery hey?

P.S Happy-shmappy-crappy-Valentine’s Day for Tuesday.  Bah Humbug.