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LOVE THIS:

Well, Wednesday saw my 3rd appointment with the Dietitian. I’m still not keen.

It feels as if she’s always trying to catch me out, asking half-questions which don’t make sense so I don’t know what she means. One, which had no logical conversational build up was “What do you want?”, I replied “In terms of what? In life? In weight gain? For lunch?” she then commented that I’m “obviously intelligent, but cognitively slow because you don’t know what I’m asking you”. I was quite put out by that! I told her that I’m obviously not as intelligent as she thinks I am, because I genuinely don’t know what she’s referring to sometimes and ask her to clarify what she means. Or she may be talking about nutrients, vitamins and minerals or something & I’ll ask her to explain what she meant because I’m not a Dietitian, I don’t know these things, then she looks at me as if I’m a retard.

Bah.

The ‘weigh in’ was another disappointment. I gained 400 grams in 2 weeks. Seriously, when the gain is in grams and not kg’s it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth. On the one hand, I’m terrified of gaining weight and feeling flabby so ED side was half relieved but I need to face that – and start to deal with it. But on the other hand, I’m eating literally twice as much as I was before I started seeing her, doing no exercise and basically not moving off the couch 7 days a week and that’s all I’ve managed. My morning eats have progressed from fat free yoghurt & a few measly flakes of cereal, to toast, then porridge with milk, dried fruit & honey/jam/nutella/anything then a cereal bar or a couple of biscuits. Lunch has twice the calories & fat than it used to and I’m still overindulging in the evening, but for what?

It feels like I’m eating allthefuckingtime and it’s getting on my nerves. I don’t have problems eating a lot in the evening after dinner when I’m already full, but find daytime eating difficult when I’m really not hungry. It’s as if I’m topping up my body which doesn’t have any physical space to put the damn stuff.

I’m eating every 1.5-2 hours and it’s making me feel sluggish and miserable. I don’t know why it feels like such a chore but I suppose it really has to be done. I told the Dietitian I find it hard eating when I’m not hungry, her reply was “So? You don’t need to be hungry”. I know this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Ultimately I want to be able to eat when I’m hungry, and stop when I’m full. Two things I’ve never managed to do. I’m much better at not eating when I’m hungry, and then not stopping when I’m full. I want to be able to trust my body to know when it needs food, but in order to gain weight I can’t trust it at all.

All the Dietitian seemed to focus on was the result of Monday’s interview, which she put down to me being cognitively slow and looking thin. She went on and on and on about how people judge on appearances and people aren’t likely to give a job to me if there’s someone who looks physically stronger, in the same way they wouldn’t give it to someone who is morbidly obese. Discrimination and equality laws, no? To some extent, I agree that a lot of people do judge on appearance, it’s part of human nature. But I honestly don’t think it applied in this case. I don’t look emaciated, my face isn’t gaunt, I have cheeks when I smile which disappeared in the worst days. Yes, admittedly, I am thin, and I’m short. But I wouldn’t say if you looked at me you’d instantly say I had anorexia, you’d say I needed to gain weight certainly, but…I don’t know.

Maybe I’m wrong, and this is a big fat denial and lack of acceptance about just how bad this is. Maybe they did look at me and immediately think ‘no chance’. Maybe I was cognitively slow, and did not give thorough answers to the interview questions.

Another bah.

Right, onwards and upwards. I have a target of 600 grams(!!) to gain in the next two weeks. It would get me to a round number, and it’s the first time she’s given me a target to reach. Her parting words were, “keep doing what you’re doing, and a bit more” so yeah, I might not actually go to sleep in order to just eat continuously. I know I’ll be horrified when the weight piles on, and I also know that my jeans are already noticeably tighter which is something I find really hard & end up feeling like a beached whale. I might invest in some new ones, in bigger sizes, to stop the horrible ED side of me berating the fact I’ve gained weight when it’s exactly what I need to happen. I’m torn between wanting it so much, and trying hard to get there, but at the same time feeling scared that I’ll just look like a podge. I know I won’t, sort of, but sometimes the logic goes out the window and irrationality takes over.

In other news, I tried these the other day, yum. I’ve never eaten Granola before, and didn’t expect it to be as chewy as it was, my jaw was honestly really really sore! Nice though. I need to buy more except they’re super expensive in Holland & Barrett, I need to find a cheaper stockist.

No other interesting eats really, I’ve widened my choice of cereal bars so now have 6 different types to alternate (my snack boxes are immense) and I’ve also been having the daily scone and daily gingerbread man/woman. I went to the supermarket this morning detirmined to buy a Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky to tackle when I’m feeling very very brave – and they didn’t bloody have any! I psyched myself up and everything, but they must be bloody popular because they had tons of the Double Choc, White Choc & Orange ones but no PB! Gutted.

That’s a much bigger post than anticipated, I’ve pretty much just rambled on and on and on and chucked a fair bit of moaning in there too, for good measure. If anyone in recovery from an Eating Disorder is reading, and you’re still awake by now, I have a question. How do you cope with eating when you’re really not full? Is it just a case of grin and bare (bear? bare?) it? My stomach is adjusting, and I do feel a bit more ready for snack when it’s ‘snack time’ but do the thoughts/feelings of ‘you greedy cow, you’re not hungry, why are you eating for the sake of it?’ ever quieten down?

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake…oh my…

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