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EDIT:  I forgot to add this to my post earlier, but I saw this the other day and it’s so true:

On the eats side, this week has been fine.  I’m still pushing myself to eat more, and choose more calorie dense foods and I feel ok about it at the moment.  I’m still dithering over stupid insignificant differences in calories but it’s manageable.  My main issue at the moment is the work situation.  Or lack of.

I had an interview lesson observation on Monday, which put politely was an absolute disaster.  Entirely my own fault, I over planned and made the lesson far too complicated, the poor children were completely confused and so was I in the end.  To make matters worse, it was an hour long lesson so it was a slow and painful interview observation!  The actual panel interview with the Head Teacher/Governors etc is on Monday so I’ve still got that to worry about, but I would bet a million ££ that I haven’t got the job.  I wouldn’t have given it to me if I were on the observation panel!  Even though I know I won’t have got it on the strength of my appalling lesson, I’m still going to go to the panel interview for some more experience.

Following up from a previous post, I did answer the phone to the supply agency, and I did my first afternoon of supply teaching on Wednesday.  Again, I can’t say it was a complete success!  I’m really struggling to decide what to do with myself.  I love working with children, I really do, there is nothing more rewarding than teaching a little one something and creating good lesson plans and resources.  However, I really don’t know if I’m cut out for it all.

I spent the afternoon with 4/5/6 year olds, and couldn’t have asked for better preparation from their normal class teacher.  He talked me through the afternoon routine, named specific children to watch out for (there were quite few of those tricky characters!) and was just basically super helpful.  And yet I still left the school feeling completely overwhelmed, and that I’d made a poor attempt at ‘crowd control’ for the afternoon.  I didn’t teach them anything, I didn’t even get half of the work done which was left for them so I’m worried their teacher will just think I’m a complete loser.

As hard as I tried I just couldn’t seem to control them, all the behaviour management techniques I’d learned and implemented during previous placements went out the window and I turned into the kind of teacher I really don’t want to be.  A moaning one.  “Don’t do that.  Put that down.  Sit on your chair.  Don’t shout out.  Voices inside now please.  Oooo, what was your name?  Sorry, what was your name again?  Please leave my bag alone.  Don’t rub that off the board.  Could you put my pen back please.  Can everyone be quite while I do the register?  No, don’t open my bag”  ARGH.

The thing is, I do really like teaching, but I’m just so crap at it!  I know it comes with experience and practice, but I don’t think I’m cut out for supply teaching at all.  Just take behaviour management for example, what works with one class may not work with another – and if you’re thrown into a different classroom every day it’s a hell of a task to learn names, control their behaviour and actually teach.

The agency called me that night and asked me to go into a Nursery class the following day, I told them no.  I’d rather get Monday’s interview over with and then have a proper think about what to do.  I really want to start my NQT year but until some more jobs start appearing it’s not looking likely, and I can’t sit on my arse forever.  It has to be either supply, or get another job doing anything which pays and gets me out of the house.

I don’t want to fail the children I go and teach, but equally, I already feel like a failure in that I haven’t managed to even start my NQT year and secure a job yet.  If I were good enough, I’d have a job by now.

This post will be gobbledygook to anyone who reads it, but it’s more to talk myself through my options and try to come to some sort of conclusion.  First thing I need to do is get my head together for the interview on Monday, and be ready to explain why my lesson was so terrible to the Head Teacher.

For possibly the first time since I started this blog, the first picture to catch my eye wasn’t a cake/pudding/dessert-type-thing, it’s a breakfast option instead. (Granted, it’s chocolate, banana & maple syrup pancakes but never mind!)