, , , , , , ,

Well.  Appointment number 2 is over, and I can’t say it was a complete success.  In the 2 weeks between the appointment with the Doctor and today’s Dietitian appointment I have really pushed myself, at least, I thought I had.  The scales say otherwise.  Proof is in the pudding so they say, and as for the weight – I am exactly the same.  I cried (idiot!) Not even a gram up or down.  Pathetic.

I cried because I was so frustrated.  What’s the point in trying so hard and pushing the boundaries which I have created for myself if there’s no gain, no end result?  I’m consious of the fact I have an interview on Monday and have the words she said last time echoing in my head, about how people judge on appearance like it or not, and unless I put weight on and look stronger & alert I have no chance.  So despite pushing towards that goal I haven’t reaped the benefits.  Yet.  I’ve realised now I’m home, that nothing comes easily.  It isn’t going to happen over night and I can only keep trying.  There’s a lot more I could do, I know that, but I hoped and thought the little changes I’ve made lately would have made a difference but they haven’t.

As for the Dietitian, I’m really not convinced.  She seems insensitive, makes cutting remarks, and there’s just something about her which doesn’t sit right.  She gave the impression she didn’t believe that I’d made any changes to my diet, that I didn’t want to recover and I wasn’t willing to recover.  When talking about the Italian meal on Saturday she asked what I ordered (Garlic Focaccia, Chicken & Pepper Tagliatelle, Mint Choc Chip & Cookie Dough Ice Cream) when I told her she replied “so, you actively chose a low fat tomato based sauce?  Why did you choose tomato sauce and not carbonara with cream and bacon?  Hmmm?”.  Ok, that’s not helpful.  While she may well have a point, in that I certainly could have chosen Pizza, or Lasagne, or Carbonara, am I wrong in thinking that surely it’s something that I actually went and left the house in the first place?  That I didn’t order a salad with no dressing to pick at?  She made me feel stupid.

When she bought up about the interview I have coming up, she was saying how I need to nourish my brain as much as I can before Monday to ensure that I look alert and so I’m not lethargic etc etc, and I quote:

“If you don’t like the process of recovery, you can go back to the way you were.  Starve yourself all you like after your interview if that’s what you want to do, just make sure you eat as much as you can before Monday because I want you to get this job.  You need this job, and eating will help you get there.  By all means, starve yourself if you don’t get it, but try as hard as you can before then”

I am serious.

100% serious.

Is it just me, or is that a slightly inappropriate and insensitive comment to make to anyone, never mind someone recovering from an Eating Disorder?  Or is it me who is being overly sensitive?  I could understand it if she said it in jest, with a little laugh & sense of humour but there was none of that.

There were so many other things she said which frustrated me but I can’t remember now.  I did cry a lot though, what is it about these people that makes me cry?!  She hasn’t proposed a meal plan, but said to have 2 x biscuits or a cereal bar between breakfast and lunch now I’m already having an afternoon snack.  Keep on with the milk too because I told her I was having at least a pint every day…and then for some reason just stopped, I need to pick that back up.  That was the only change really, a morning snack.  I admitted that I will find choosing biscuits a lot more difficult than eating them.  I know I’ll go to the supermarket & stand there like an imbecile trying to choose some god damn biscuits.  The ones I would like to eat will be far too high fat for me to tackle I know that, I’ve seen them and scrutinised the packets already so will have to try and buy some which I don’t know the nutritional info of.  Easier said than done.

So all in all, not an overly successful morning.  She was surprised at my lack of a gram weight change in weight and said for some people even a hair cut could make a difference…well…guess where I’m going this afternoon?!  I’m buggered.

I really hoped there would be a weight change, and she made me feel a lot less confident about Monday’s interview than I was.  She made it clear that unless I miraculously gain a few stone then I have no chance of getting this job, but equally, it’s impossible to gain that much weight in 4 days so basically I have no chance.  Deflated and frustrated are two words which describe my mood perfectly.  We have made an appointment for 2 weeks time, which considering it’s been 6 weeks between appointments that’s an improvement.  I just hope there’s a weight improvement to match.