Since my last post, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I seem to have a renewed vigour and enthusiasm for this recovery malarkey, and think I must have been unsettled by Christmas/New Year more than I thought. So a pre-warning to anyone who reads this, it seems to be a self congratulations post! Ha.
There have been a few challenges, 3 meals out this week which I didn’t worry about nearly as much as I have done in the past. Yesterday’s meal was Garlic Bread to start, I chose a Chicken Burger and veg which was dripping in oil but I didn’t let it stress me out, then had Carrot Cake with ice cream for pudding which I’m really proud of. I’m proud because I know how high cal/fat it is but didn’t let that take away the fact that it tasted bloody lovely and I need to learn that I can afford to eat and enjoy such foods regularly.
Saturday was good too, I went for a meal with my friend then out for some drinks afterwards (SHOCK HORROR!) It was so good to be out and about and actually socialise, we didn’t go to any clubs but went around the bars after the meal, had a good chat and some very lovely cocktails (Frozen Strawberry Daiquiris are my new obsession). We headed home about 3am and had some tea and toast when we got in, I also nicked a few of her left over Christmas chocolates. That is the way I would have, and did behave before all this ED rubbish started so it felt brilliant to have a night like that again. I felt normal.
I’ve been challenging myself more as well. Only baby steps, but at the moment I feel like any step towards recovery is a good one. I tried really really hard on Saturday not to restrict before I went out because I know that just one step back easily leads me on a downward spiral. It wasn’t easy to eat my normal breakfast and lunch knowing what I would eat in the evening but I did it.
I’ve been doing little things like eating more chocolates which are always lying around the house and I never seem to eat, or if I do it’s a really big deal & build up. I’ve been trying to eat instinctively so if they catch my eye and I think “Ooo I would love to be able to eat one of those” I translate it as “Ooo I would love one of those”. And eat it. I can’t say it works every time, but more often than most it is working and I know it sounds like nothing but I need to cling to mini victories right now!
Another thing which would be ridiculously insignificant to most people, is buying a different yoghurt. I have 2 trusty brands which I always buy, to be honest I don’t even know if I actually like them, I just know they’re the lowest calorie fat free yoghurt’s I can buy. But not this time! It did take me ages, and I did scrutinise the tubs, but I chose a yoghurt which isn’t fat free. This is a baby step, I know this, but routines and habits are such a big part of my ED that changing even one thing is good. Added bonus in that the yoghurt tastes good too :). I’m working my way towards full fat, the one I have at the moment is relatively low fat so I’ll build up and hopefully be on full fat soon.
Other positives, I’ve been enjoying my porridge with various toppings and FINALLY managed to have it with all milk and no water today. Result. Also been enjoying Cashew Nut Butter. I’ve always been scared of butters, nuts or otherwise but this Cashew Nut Butter is great on toast so I’ve been having that with chopped banana and strawberries every day. It’s turned in to a new routine but a more positive one and I have been shopping to buy different, more exciting things for lunch which I’ll tackle this week. Trying to have a snack after lunch too, it’s something I always did at work but have got out of the habit now I’m off. Bought some malt loaf bars, oat cakes etc which are easy to snack on. I know I need to push it further and have something more substantial but it’s better than nothing.
My second appointment with the Dietitian is on Wednesday and I really hope I’ve made more progress this time. I didn’t enjoy my first appointment with her at all and didn’t find it very useful, so hopefully I’ll get more out of the next one.
Oh there was another mini victory too! Again, insignificant for most but big for me. I used to always get these chocolate brownies from Sainsbury’s and have them hot with ice cream but obviously haven’t had one for a long long time. I seem to be a lot more comfortable eating cakes and desserts out in a restaurant, because I see if more as a treat and cope ok, but having something similar at home is a real stumbling block for me. I do have desserts but they’re ‘safe’ to me and I stick to what I know (M&S do some great puds). But last week I did it, I nuked it in the microwave and had it with chocolate ice cream and although it was scary I enjoyed it and will be having another soon hopefully!
So yeah, I’ve been feeling a lot better this week…although I’m awaiting the inevitable ‘dip’. Excuse the horribly self-indulgent post, I’ll finish with said brownie which was my ‘Project 365’ image of the day 🙂