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God this is hard.

Recovery is really bloody hard.

I really wish it weren’t as difficult as this sometimes because I just feel like utter crap today.  I hate how greedy I feel.  I hate how other people eat a lot less than me and they’re fine.  I hate how full I am right now.  I hate how despite the fullness, I can’t stop myself from eating chocolate even though I feel sick.  I hate how I’m taking my frustration out on my family by belittling them and making digs.  I don’t mean to.  It’s a horrible way to vent my frustration and it’s not fair.

Today has been difficult.  While shopping this afternoon we stopped at John Lewis for tea & scone.  Mum dropped half of her scone on the floor by accident, so only ate the other half.  I didn’t have any excuse not to eat the whole of mine obviously, but I felt like a pig eating twice as much which is ridiculous.

It got worse this evening when we went out for a meal.  I made serious school boy errors with my menu choices, and what initially felt like relatively safe dishes turned out not to be and I feel horrible.  My starter was far far too big, while everyone else’s was manageable, I therefore berated myself for making a ‘mistake’ with the choice of starter.  Main course was even worse.  I chose Prawn Risotto which was swimming in a pool of oil and was so so so so so so creamy it made me feel stodgy and sick.  I had to eat it even though I really didn’t like the taste (it wasn’t just the scare-factor of all the oil and cream, it was the actual taste which wasn’t nice!)  If a ‘normal’ person doesn’t enjoy their meal, they don’t eat it.  But not me.  I had to eat it to save the suspicion and disappointing looks.  As if I didn’t feel bad enough already, when Mums food arrived it was the tiniest portion in the world and she still left some which she never used to do.  My brother ordered the same main as me and left over half so it was just me who ordered the 2 largest courses and ate them all and now I feel like the biggest greedy fat pig. Part of my brain was screaming ‘DO ITTTTTTT, GET ON WITH IT AND EAT YOU NEED IT’ while the other was screaming ‘IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, DON’T EAT IT, IT DOESN’T TASTE NICE’.  Argh.

This post is full of moaning and anger so I really do apologise, but I feel close to tears and venting on here is possibly the only thing to stop me cracking up.

To anybody who has recovered or is in the process of recovery, how do you cope with eating so much more than other people?  Do you ever stop comparing what you eat to the foods and portions other people eat?  Will it get better?

We’re home now, and I tried to get myself in check by having something for dessert since we didn’t get one in the restaurant and now, 5 Thorntons chocolates later I feel even worse.  I could never, ever usually eat 5 Thorntons chocolates in a day, never mind after a day of eats like I’ve had, but my head is thinking ‘well, you’ve been a complete pig anyway today so fuck it’.  This isn’t a good attitude to have since it’s led to guilt and annoyance.  My body has not idea where its at right now.  I go from major restricting to pig mode and it’s stupid.  I need to learn moderation.

I know peoples food intake differs from day to day.  I know people will eat more than me on some days, less than me on others, so why has this got to me so much?  I don’t know.

Exercise is another thing which has been troubling me.  I haven’t been to the gym or done any form of exercise other than a stroll around the shops since 18th Dec when I hurt my knee and as much as I’d like to – I’m reluctant to start going again because I know it started to become compulsive.  I don’t want to get into a cycle.  However, I feel horribly guilty and lazy for doing nothing at all and think this may be adding to the frustrated feelings and general irritability.  I’m not sure.  Maybe now I’m out of the routine of going to the gym I should stay out of it.  I wasn’t exactly a hardened gym goer and only ever went between 1-3 times a week for a maximum of 40 mins (25 mins of which was spent walking on the treadmill – I can’t run!). I’m torn between not wanting to be lazy and not wanting to get compulsive feelings back however much I despise the gym.

What a bloody miserable post to complete a bloody miserable day – weather and feeling wise.  I’m going to draw a line under today, try to accept that yes, I was a greedy pig, and other people ate less than me but it doesn’t make either them nor me bad!  I think I’m more annoyed because I tried so hard yesterday, when we went out for another meal, had apple pie and ice cream for pudding and didn’t feel stressed, anxious or greedy at all and yet today, it’s a whole different story.

Anyone fancy making a Mocha Meringue Pie like this for me please?  Nom nom nom.