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are ahead.

Big few days coming up, involving a 4 day trip to London which has turned into a bit of a tradition.  Mum and I have gone to London for 2 days/1 night for the past few years to have a mooch around and see a show around Christmas.  This year, we’re going for four days and the whole trip is mostly planned around food.  I’m 20% excited 80% anxious.

The hotel where we stay is lovely, and they do the most amazing breakfast.  Usually, I’m great with this because it’s a ‘one off’ and I stuff myself because it’s only 1 morning but for this trip it will be different.  Personally, I’m in a different place this year than I have been in the past, and the fact I have no self control in these situations is scaring me.

They have everything at this breakfast, and I usually have…everything.  I can’t seem to choose something I’d like and leave it at that – if there’s a wide selection of things I have to have them all.  Doesn’t matter if I’m sickly full, I have to have it.  So, I am predicting a terribly anxious over-eating morning filled with pancakes & syrup, bacon, sausage (which I don’t even like, but it’s there, meh) various types of egg, beans, tomato, mushrooms, loads of different bread/toast, cereal, fresh berries & yogurt, muffins, porridge, pain au chocolate, croissants…and there’s probably more I have forgotten.  I honestly feel compelled to make the most of it because it’s there, paid for, and tasty.  But that doesn’t stop the guilt I will inevitably feel.  I haven’t felt guilty in the past because as I said, it’s only one morning but this time it’s 3.  I know I’ll feel terrible.  The simple answer is to be sensible and eat a normal amount of breakfast but I’ve tried that and I really can’t help myself!  I yo-yo up and down to the different counters while other people, who have self control, can make one trip and be satisfied.

So that’s breakfast.  Then there’s the rest of it…

We’re going for afternoon tea at Fortnum & Mason next week which we did last year and really enjoyed.  I’m now scared about this too.  Last year I was excited, this year I’m scared.  I can take or leave the sandwiches (I do take though, I wouldn’t leave them at that bloody price!) but the cakes are where I can really go to town!  Scones and cake = yum.  Scones and cake = guilty greedy fatty.

I can’t build up excitement because I’m constantly wondering where we’ll be eating for lunch and dinner, and because afternoon tea is at 4pm, I won’t want a massive lunch because we’ll have had a huge breakfast and will be stuffed at afternoon tea – instead of looking forward to the whole trip I’m just worrying.

I’ve spent hours on the internet looking at possible places for lunch and dinner, but as I don’t know where we’ll be and when I can’t really narrow it down and we’ll end up eating somewhere we walk past.  This is another thing, walking past hundreds of cafes and restaurants peeking at the menus, with me looking for excuses not to eat there other than “there is no safe food on that menu”, and Mum getting increasingly and understandably frustrated.

This week is meant to be a chance to relax and enjoy ourselves, but Mum and I are already on tenterhooks around each other and I know it’s going to blow up.  Or should I say, she’s going to blow up.  I can sense she’s itching to say something to me, and it will result in an argument which I really don’t want.  My brother is also coming down for one night and we’re going to 2 comedy gigs so he’ll provide a break for us both and hopefully relieve any tension there may well be.

Perhaps if it weren’t so close to Christmas, where I overeat anyway, I wouldn’t be as anxious.  I can deal with a week or so full-on major pig out, but it’s longer than that and I hate the guilty greedy fatty feeling.  I should really use this as a positive experience.  Maybe it will give me the kick up the arse I so badly need at the moment.  For the first time, I don’t feel committed to recovery because I’m scared of gaining weight despite the fact I clearly need to.  Perhaps by eating much bigger meals for breakfast lunch and dinner I’ll boost my enthusiasm for it all.  Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

It’s not all anxious dread though.  There are actually LOADS of places I want to eat, too many in fact, and not enough time to try them all!  I’ve seen loads of lovely cafe’s and restaurants, and I want late night ice cream after one of the gigs that’s for sure.  If anyone has any dead cert places to visit in London, food related or otherwise please let me know.  We have a plan for one day, but the others are more or less free so any ideas of things to do would be much appreciated!