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Well, I went to the interview, didn’t get the job.  In fact, I’m that crap, I didn’t even get to the interview stage.

There were 5 of us, we all had to teach a 30 minute lesson and have an interview with the school council in the morning (Questions included “Do you have a pet, baby or husband?  Are you Eco-friendly?  WTF?!)  Next – have lunch with the children(!!!).  Really.  Eat actual school dinners, with 7 years olds, while the staff ate their nice lunches in the staff room!  I found this strange.  Then – 2 of us were told we had been unsuccessful and the remaining 3 went on to the interview stage.  Demoralising?  Slightly.  Why make us wait until after lunch?  We were warned that the day would be structured like that, but why not tell us immediately and let us get the hell out of there rather than feed us frickin’ school dinners?  I found it okish, but now I feel RUBBISH.  Options were either Pizza, chips and beans or jacket potato and beans/tuna etc.  I chose the jacket but the dinner lady must have thought she was feeding a giant with the sheer amount of beans and the size of the potato & salad!  It’s all pretty healthy stuff so that’s not an issue it was just so much food!  Then to finish, those funny sponge cake things with a chocolate swirl which tasted like a dishwashing sponge rather than a nice cake sponge.  But I did it, yey for me (eurgh.)

I’ll gloss over the lesson, it wasn’t the best lesson I’ve ever taught, clearly.  The kids were ace though, very lively and they’ll be a handful for the successful applicant I’ll say that much.

The hardest bit was staying over last night.  I travelled up the day before to a B&B I’d booked, and I didn’t know what to do for dinner with their being no microwave, oven or fridge.  I spent an absolute age in Tesco trying to pick something sensible and substantial for dinner but part of me wanted to restrict so badly.  There was so much in my basket because I couldn’t decide.  Sushi & salad?  (Not enough)  Soup and a roll?  (faffed about with the size of the roll, couldn’t decide on a soup which was low cal/fat but not too low cal/fat)  Sandwich from the chiller?  (Would that have more or less calories than sushi and salad?  Or would soup be lower cal?)  Chicken noodle salad from the chiller?  (Might not be filling enough?)  Should I get a roll to go with the noodle salad?  (Too many cals).

ARGH.  In the end, I rung my Mum.  Pathetic.  I’m in my late 20’s for gods sake, I should be able to pick out a fucking dinner.  In the end I got a chicken salad sandwich and a soup and headed to the B&B to check in.

Arrived at the B&B and I was unsurprisingly the only guest (being a miserable town in miserable weather) but the owner was so lovely, she showed me to my own private sitting room with massive TV, made me a pot of tea…and then…bought through the cake.  Now, I love cake, as anyone who read this may already know – but I wasn’t expecting it!  She had baked an entire fruit and nut cake just for me and told me to dig in.  Ohhhh the panic in my head.  GET A GRIP.  That’s what I told myself.  I berated myself for dithering so much in Tesco and trying to restrict then not, then restrict, then not and so on – so I sat and had a slice of cake with my tea.  It was bloody lovely!  (At that point, I text my Mum to say this hotel was better than ‘Hotel Mum’ because I get tea and cake made for me ;)).

Now I should have had my soup and sandwich, then the apple & grape snack pack and chocolate nougat bar I’d bought with me for afterwards and left it at that.  But the cake screamed at me.  I ate my sandwich, scraping off the mayonnaise (idiot), didn’t have the soup, then had the apple and grapes.  Watched TV on my lonesome in my room, thought about cake, smoked, thought about cake, drunk tea, thought about cake, smoked some more, thought about cake until eventually I couldn’t hold off any longer.  Snuck downstairs and helped myself to another slice of cake.  Now I know this is greed.  One piece of cake should have been enough, and it was – I was full after cake and dinner so should have been satisfied but I still can’t get to grips with ‘enough is enough’.  I don’t know.  Maybe normal people can stop after 1 slice, or maybe normal people will have 2 or more slices and not beat themselves up about it?  There’s still 2 sides to my brain, the side which really wants to get better and sort myself out, then the other side which isn’t wholly convinced I even want to recover.  Now I’ve just seen that written down it looks ridiculous.  Of course I want to recover.  I’m just scared of it.

On to breakfast.  Another hurdle!  The owner had given me the menu the night before and watched and waited for me to fill it out.  Cereals to start, then fresh fruit and yoghurt, then onto the real stuff.  Options included Full English, Waffles and bacon, Pancakes and syrup, Smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, Bacon & Mushrooms on toast and then my predictable choice – Poached egg & English muffin.  Wimpy choice I know, but it’s a lot more than I’d usually have for breakfast.  AND she had smothered the muffin in butter but I ate it.  Would even go as far to say it was really nice!  The fruit was lovely too, really fresh with all my favourites, all the berries, apricots, pineapple, peaches.  She tried to force toast on me after my egg muffin but I told her I was fine thank you, to which she replied “Ahh full are you?  Well you haven’t got a lot of space to fill have you love?”  Not exactly what I wanted to hear!  Although I don’t look seriously seriously thin, I’m still conscious of people thinking (knowing?) I have anorexia, and thought that by eating her cake and her butter smothered muffin she wouldn’t say anything!

Today has been a hard day.  Big breakfast, big lunch, and the inevitable big dinner.  I can’t even risk asking Mum to have something ‘lighter’ for dinner because she’ll read into it too much.  Plus, my stressy phone call to her yesterday in Tesco would have made the warning signs flash.  Still in contradictory mode, I want a lighter dinner because I’ve eaten a lot already today but if I truly truly wanted to recover, surely I should embrace it and appreciate that I need it?  That’s what I did with the cake yesterday, I had the words of the Dietitian in my head (she said “before your interview, just eat and eat and eat.  Eat as much as you can before then, you need it”) so why can’t I do that all the time?  I always want to compensate.

What a mixed up and muddled post, apologies.  Not feeling very articulate at the moment.  I really ought to structure my posts rather than just ramble on and on and on…it’s time for cake.