I feel compelled to blog/moan right now, because I’m in an absolutely foul mood and it’s for a completely ridiculous reason.
Today was going ok, I had my Weetabix with milk (woop!) and added in some dried fruit and orange extract (random but very successful addition!), then had the usual lunch and snacks during the day. I did freak out in the supermarket (again) looking for some Porridge to buy. My sensible brain knows it’s good food but unfortunately that side was absent during the shopping trip and I was accompanied by the ED brain which noted the calorie and fat content of every box and made it near impossible to choose between them. Pre-packed sachets were the eventual choice. I can’t seem to judge how much porridge to put in a bowl because it never looks enough and I don’t trust myself to pour either enough or too much, and the milk is measured using the sachet which solves another problem. It’s more calories and fat than I usually have for breakfast but I love porridge so hopefully won’t feel like a chore. Also bought an Aero Chocolate Mousse sachet which I mixed with milk this afternoon and was looking forward to having after dinner. Now, dinner. This is where my mood descended from perfectly fine to thunderous – a complete over reaction.
Dinner was Chilli Con Carne with rice, which is fine. A meal I’m used to, and usually enjoy. Except my portion was a third bigger than everybody else’s. Now I know my Mum’s heart is in the right place, and I know she’s doing what she thinks is best for me (feed me up) but it has the opposite effect. It makes me feel greedy, overly full, and guilty because it took me longer to finish than everyone else due to the size of my meal when usually we eat at the same pace. I silently worked my way through the mountain of food, with a face of contempt. I’m now hidden away in my room ignoring everyone, and haven’t said a word to anyone in two hours.
I’m being so unreasonable. I know this. I’ve undoubtedly made my Mum feel shit by being such a moody cow but I can’t snap out of it. I feels impossible to get away from the way that meal has made me feel. The portion size was ridiculously big for a valid reason, I need it, but I want to do this on my own. I don’t want to feel force fed.
The mousse was nice, but definitely would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn’t feel sickly full. It’s a shame because I was really looking forward to it, I’d put raspberry’s on top and it looked so pretty!
Anyway, there’s still a chocolate chomp bar and warm vanilla milk for tonight so I’d better have some space in my stomach by then.
In other news, my interview is early next week and I have absolutely no motivation to plan a lesson for it right now. My mind isn’t in the right place but I really really need a job. With a job, I have focus, a purpose, and a route away from the tunnel of anorexia. Over the weekend we’ll be putting up our Christmas Tree but before that, I need to plan a lesson to teach to a class of 30 children I’ve never met and prepare for the horrible experience of interview. If only I had the energy and drive to prepare. Chances of getting this job are slim to none.