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Yesterday was the first appointment with the Dietitian.  It’s hard to say exactly how it went really, it wasn’t ground-breaking that’s for sure.  She was nice, but she certainly didn’t pull any punches.  I actually cried (a couple of times!) which didn’t happen at my appointment with the Doctor.  I can’t even remember what it was which made me cry, I think it was just because told it how it is, i.e. “you need to put on weight for the sake of your health, happiness and career”.  Which is right.  But not quite as easy as that.  She also mentioned that my weight had dropped 0.something since the appointment with the Doctor and mentioned that if it continued to drop she would consider hospital.  That was one thing which induced some tears I remember that much!  She said it to scare some sense into me, because my weight is nowhere near low enough to be hospitalised and there is no chance I could go there.  It was made clear I have a choice now, I have control.  If I can’t make the right choice, and take control in the right way, then hospital would be the alternative.  There, I would have no choice, no control, so it’s up to me to prove that I can do it.

I gave her a copy of the food diary I’ve been completing since my first Doctor’s appointment, and she seemed to fluctuate between saying positive things and then not so positive.  She would say “ahh well I see you do eat breakfast/lunch/dinner, there’s some snacks in there…etc” and then go on to say “you really shouldn’t go more than 3 hours without eating” – which I don’t – but she insisted that I do (even though I know I don’t!)  She also argued with me over little things which was a bit annoying, like insisting that I would have only eaten white bread in the first few days as inpatient – I didn’t, I had brown bread.  And insisting that I would have had a meal plan to follow when I was discharged – again, I didn’t.  I was discharged and left, and that was it.  I’d never seen a Dietitian before or since, she seemed suspicious as if she didn’t believe me.  It was uncomfortable when she asked direct questions like ‘why do you choose to have ***** for lunch?’, ‘you are choosing not to put cheese on your sandwich’ – now I know this, but it’s different when somebody says it outright to you, hits home a bit more.  I quite liked the fact she was so straight talking, but it’s hard to hear sometimes.

I left there feeling confused about it all really.  I half expected to be given a meal plan of sorts, or a calorie target, or a weight gain target, but there was non of that.  The only thing she said was that I eat breakfast too late (which I know) and to change from having yoghurt & cereal to having Weetabix and to have it earlier, and to have at least a pint of milk a day.  That was it.  Although saying that, I thought it would be fine to have a pint of milk a day but it’s kind of turned into a fear recently, it’s the whole reason I have yoghurt and cereal and not milk.  I associate it with fat and calories when it’s not at all – it’s pure goodness.  She told me how many vitamins are in it, how it’s got protein and all sorts in, it will help to sort my withering bones, my hair, nails, lots and lots.  I ended up freaking out a bit in the supermarket trying to figure out how to have milk without drinking straight milk – I stared at boxes of Nesquick, Hot Chocolate, Ovaltine, Horlicks and panicked at the numbers.  Looked at the flavoured milk in the fridge section, again getting panicked and confused with all the calorie/fat contents.  I came home with some crappy ‘Crusha’ milkshake mix, some frozen fruit to attempt a milky smoothie and 2 sachets of Chocolate Ovaltine.  Now here is where I’d like some advice, the Ovaltine I bought is to be mixed with water – because the sachet already contains dried milk and it has a high calcium content.  Is this acceptable?  Is it ok to have that instead of a glass of milk?  I didn’t think to ask the Dietitian (because I didn’t know I’d buy it!) and my next appointment isn’t until mid-late January.  Rubbish.

I feel like I need to ask her some more questions but will have to wait 6 weeks to do so.  And, I still haven’t heard anything from the first Doctor I saw about a follow up appointment, so I’m in limbo really.  I have questions to ask and nobody to ask them to! Last night was spent stressing about having milk and an earlier breakfast but I bloody did it.  Had my Weetabix with milk within an hour of waking up which is never the case with me, then made a fruity milk smoothie.  I drank a lot of it but then left the rest until the afternoon because it was a lot more filling than I’d thought it would be!  I’ll have had over a pint today, because I’m planning on warm milk with honey later on as inspired by a fellow blogger! (THANK YOU!)

I looked at the calcium content of the yoghurt I always have for breakfast, and it’s got 27% rda of calcium per pot – why wouldn’t this be ok for breakfast?  Why would she have asked/told/suggested I change my breakfast to Weetabix and milk, when the yoghurt I have contains as much calcium as the milk?  I’m confused.  I’d like to know whether I should aim for a certain amount of calcium per day as opposed to drinking 1 pint of milk, then I could have yoghurt as well as milk.  Anyone have any ideas?!

I can’t really remember what else was said, but the only thing she opted to change/introduce were the Weetabix and Milk.  She asked if I thought I’d need another appointment with her, and I said definitely.  I got the impression I’m expected to do this on my own, it was the same with the Doctor I saw – I’m just left hanging around waiting for an appointment or some kind of help.  Sometimes I think I’m strong enough to do this on my own.  I’m fine, nothing causes problems or issues.  Other days?  It’s a disaster.  Everything is too hard, supermarkets are the nemesis, meal times are a challenge.  Two different people fighting against each other.  The sensible one must win.

It’s time to start feeling festive: