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A wee warning: I am one grumpy bugger today!

The appointment with the Dietitian was cancelled yesterday because she was ill.  Hmm.  Hope it wasn’t something she ate?  Maybe she isn’t getting enough vitamins and minerals in her diet?! 😉

Sarcasm aside, I was pretty disappointed.  I’d been looking forward to seeing a Dietitian for the first time and seeing what was said, and have rearranged for the first available appointment which isn’t for another 2 weeks.  I’m just not sure what to do in the mean time, keep plodding on like I have been doing with stupid hang ups and fixations?  I haven’t heard anything back from the first Doctor I saw last week who said he would sort out a bone scan and blood tests so I’m waiting on those as well.

I just don’t seem to have the energy lately to really fight, I am still trying but I know it’s a half hearted effort and I can and should be doing better.  Still declining the ever decreasing invitations to meet with friends, I haven’t heard from my course mates for months and I don’t blame them for getting bored of asking if I was coming out only to get a shitty excuse from me.  I just need to break out of this crappy routine and get out there, I’m fed up of doing nothing all day, and nothing all night, then go to bed.  And tomorrow – the same.  I need a job.

I did leave the house to go to the gym on Monday, but I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm for that either.  I hate seeing people running 200 mph on the treadmill while I huff and puff at walking pace feeling and looking like the unfit smoker I am.  Even that’s becoming a fixation, I will keep walking until I’ve reached a certain number of calories even though I know it’s inaccurate, and varies depending on weight etc but I can’t help it.  I suppose the only good thing is it’s not a particularly high calorie target, and can be easily compensated for with my evening chocolate and scone fixes.  The thing worrying me is my knees.  They feel really weak and because I’m not used to exercise I haven’t noticed how sore they are when I walk sometimes.  Not good.  Again, I have nothing to do today so will probably end up going to the gym and hating the 30 mins I’m there for and drive home just as miserable as I was on my way there.

Mum has asked if I fancy going shopping tonight but I’ve said no.  We rarely actually go in any shops and will just end up eating out.  I usually love going out to eat but I’m not feeling up to it today.  That’s a clear sign to myself that I’m not trying hard enough.  I should go, get out of the house and have a nice meal, I know that.  And I would probably enjoy it, until I try to ‘out eat’ everyone else and leave feeling guilty and stupid.

Right, I need to man the fuck up.  Stop wallowing!  These posts are the most downbeat miserable things and it’s ridiculous!  I swear I’m not usually this bloody negative, I do have a sense of humour and personality – just tend to use this blog to moan about the bad stuff rather than the things which make me laugh and smile.  New Years resolution maybe?  Cheer up!

Now, this is something which does make me smile.  A truly triple chocolate cheesecake: