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Well well well.  Appointment number 1 is over!  It was ok, there are no quick fixes and unfortunately he didn’t have a magic wand either.  Bugger.

Luckily he did have background info from the first time round so we didn’t need to go over all that again (handy, since I’m rubbish with dates and get mixed up).  We chatted about any recent changes/circumstances/incidents which may have reignited the eating disorder, and other than the fact I don’t have a job and have absolutely nothing to do with myself there hasn’t been anything significant which I can attribute to it.  We did talk a lot about the lack of a job, and he offered that maybe my eating disorder is an excuse for not being a teacher, i.e ‘The reason my applications and interviews have been unsuccessful is because I have an eating disorder’ blaming my failure to get a job on my eating disorder rather than taking personal responsibility and accepting that it’s my failure, or a shitty job market rather than the eating disorder itself.  (He put it more eloquently than that, and it didn’t sound as harsh as I’ve written it!).  Interesting.  I can definitely see his point.

I felt like I was hiding something, like there should be a real reason why I’m feeling like this, and why my weight has dropped, but I don’t know what it is.  He asked questions I didn’t have the answer to, and he admitted he couldn’t see why my weight has dropped if I’m eating what I told him I was (and I am).  I don’t have the answer.  He didn’t either.

He said we can deal with the so-called ‘surface issues’ of eating habits, routines, structure etc, but need to get to the root of the problem.  What is the root of the problem though?  I feel like there should be a real reason but I don’t think there is one.  I don’t have a horrific life, I am incredibly lucky in the respect that I haven’t suffered anything too major, or had to deal with things which a lot of other people have to, so why am I like this?  Why is an eating disorder my answer and response?

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m not being completely honest with myself.  He asked about confidence (low) and how I’d feel about putting on weight (I said ok, because deep down I know I need to) but did admit I’ve always had a barrier to reaching the allegedly healthy BMI of 18.5.

He seemed unsure exactly what to say, or what to recommend for me.  I told him I know what I need to do (eat more!), it’s just a case of doing it.  The fact I don’t over exercise, use laxatives or obsessively count my daily calories (any more) stumped him a bit and I feel like a fraud.  It’s hard to explain what goes on in my head and the thought processes which make life difficult, and don’t think I got that across at all.

I’ll be having blood tests with the GP, and have been told to get some calcium tablets and vitamins.  Apparently there are 3 routes: (1) Medication (2) Psych (3) Dietitian.  I asked to see a Dietitian.  I feel uncomfortable talking about myself to a Psychologist, and don’t fancy taking any medication.  I also requested a bone scan, because the last one I had about 3 years ago scanned my hips and spine, one of which was fine but the other showed some damage (I’ve forgotten which was which) and it’s something which concerns me.  I don’t want to have no bones left, and apparently you stop building up your bones at the age of 33, so I haven’t got a hell of a lot longer left.

All in all, it was ok.  I felt at a bit of a loss at what to say when he asked ‘where is this stemming from?’ and I couldn’t give an answer.  Has anybody else felt like this or does everyone have a genuine valid(?) reason for their eating disorder?  I don’t know if ‘valid’ is the right word to use, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.  Basically, can everyone attribute their issues to something in particular?  Maybe I’ll have to keep mulling over it.  It’ll be about 4 weeks until the blood tests and referral are though apparently, in the mean time I’ve been told to try and maintain my weight and halt the downward spiral.  Oh right!  Is that what I have to do?!  Easy peasy! *sarcasm*.

It’s apparently ‘Takeaway Wednesday’ tonight.  I sense my family are just putting the word ‘Takeaway’ in front of every day of the week until I’m the size of a house.

Time for pud.  Sticky date pudding with ice cream anyone?

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