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So.  I have my appointment on Wednesday and I’m getting a bit anxious, feeling very apprehensive.  Not sleeping too well for thinking about it!

  • What should I expect?
  • What sort of things will they ask me?
  • Will they expect me to just sit there and talk and talk and talk or will they prompt?
  • Will they recommend things (meal plans/techniques/whatever) or expect me to ask for specific help?
  • Will they have background info on me?  I really can’t be arsed to go over the whole palava and I get so confused and mixed up as to what happened when.  It will also mean admitting to myself that I’ve had this for a lot longer than I thought I had!
  • Is there anything I should specifically ask them?

I feel like a complete idiot worrying about this so much, I want help, I’m just scared about what will happen on Wednesday.  My last “First Appointment” with an eating disorder specialist resulted in immediate in patient treatment – a real shock to the system.  I weigh a lot more than I did back then, so there’s no danger of being whisked away without so much as time to pack a bag, but the whole appointment is a bit of a blur now and I can’t remember what exactly happened or what was said other than she asked me to squat down to the floor and up again.  That is literally all I can remember.  Well, squatting and being told I was going straight to hospital.  All in all, not great memories!

I have been trying to write down some things which bother me about myself, signs which have reappeared showing I’m not coping as well as I once was so I don’t forget to mention them to the Doctor.  Things like scrutinising packets, eating too much in the evening and not in the day, thinking about food too much etc.  I don’t like not knowing what to expect, I wish they had given me a clue when I got the appointment letter as to what would happen.

Odd weekend as well.  It was “Takeaway Friday” as usual, which was fine.  Saturday we had chilli con carne and I ended up with a monster portion.  Now this is genuinely not my disordered mind speaking.  I eat at the same speed as my family, and we generally finish eating within seconds of each other but the size of my meal compared to everyone else’s meant I was left at the table for a good 5 minutes finishing.  (How rude they got up and left!).  I hate feeling as if I’m being force fed rather than being trusted to have a normal sized portion.  This left me feeling overly full and miserable, but despite this I had a scone, then a piece of giant Toblerone, then a Chocolate Florentine thing.  Oh, and then a jelly.   WHY?!

I was too full, I didn’t need to eat the extra.  The scone on it’s own would suffice.

We had lunch and dinner out yesterday which would have been ok, except I had horrible stomach ache and woke up at 4am so was absolutely shattered and very moody.  And again, I couldn’t stop eating when I was full at dinner.  Only Dad and I had dessert, he had a fruit salad and I had a caramel, toffee and apple pie/tart thing with ice cream (and cream but I left that).  I feel as if they will think I’m a wimp if I either don’t have pudding or if I went for a fruit salad (which I would have liked).  I’m always torn between pleasing them and pleasing me, and can’t seem to find a happy medium.

Another big dinner planned tonight, we’re having lamb and I know I’ll have to bite my tongue and not comment on portion size.  I don’t want to kick up a fuss and know it’ll lead to instant suspicion and worry if I say something.  Frustrating though, because I know it’s not the Eating Disorder talking, I know a symptom of anorexia is paranoia about people tampering with food but it’s genuinely not that,  I do get bigger portions and my Dad gets stuck with a midgey portion!

I need to move out.  And soon.  But that’s a whole ‘nuther blog post/rant.