Been a funny week or so. Up and down, which seems to be the norm these days.
One day I’m well on track, focussed, eating properly and not stressing and worrying and the next – back to square one.
- Waking up thinking about food
- Waiting until 10.30 until I can have breakfast
- Scrutinising supermarket packets
- Staring at the calorie count on the treadmill until I’ve ‘worked off’ my breakfast (I STILL can’t manage a jog on the damn thing)
And so on.
We went out for a curry at the weekend, and that was a big challenge for me. We have takeaways at least once a week and eat out at least once as well so it’s not something I’m unfamiliar with, but as much as I love curry it’s the one which makes me most anxious. But I did it. Had popadoms (sp?), lamb bhuna, pilau rice, 1/2 a chappatti and 1/2 a naan bread. I was very very full but I made damn sure I ate it all to prove to my family I could. The choice of restaurant irritated me a bit, only because my family know I’m not a big fan of going for a curry but it’s their favourite and I was determined not to be the selfish one who fucks it up. I’m also using my Mum’s change in habits as a motivator. She didn’t finish her food so I made sure I did. She didn’t want a pudding so I made sure I ordered one (Ice cream, honey, almonds and hazlenuts in a pot type thing) and polished it all off. That was a mini challenge for me too, nuts are one of my scary foods. So I felt pretty proud of myself afterwards, then Sunday we had another monster Roast Dinner and I went shopping to get us each a pudding (chocolate sundae for me, ok ok it was an M&S ‘count on us’ one but still, it’s better than nothing!)
So a weekend of hardcore food and now this week, when I’m left to my own devices, I’m worrying again. I have eaten breakfast/lunch/dinner/scones/gingerbread/chocolate etc etc etc but I know I can and should try harder. I need to try harder. Doctors appointment is next week and I need to sort myself out big time.
This morning, I had breakfast and was driving to the gym (which, incidentally, I still fucking hate) and I started thinking. “Why are you going to the gym? Your knees are feeling sore lately and the gym really won’t be doing them any good. You hate the place, you hate feeling inadequate against all the fitness fanatics and the place smells funny”. So I stopped at the forest which I pass on the way and decided to go for a walk. It was lovely! I only wandered for half an hour or so, but I didn’t stride around like a mad woman burning calories, I strolled through the leaves, up to the hill and looked out for a bit then headed back to the car. I got home feeling better for the fresh air than I would have been feeling crappy at the gym. I’m putting a few photos of the morning, to remind me if I look back on how much more there is to life than eating disorders.
After my stroll, I went food shopping and got myself an M&S Ham & Mushroom Pizza and Double chocolate sundae for pud. They’re both from the ‘count on us’ selection but it’ll be a while before I can brave a full fat version I think. If stupid packets didn’t have stupid calories and stupid fat plastered all over them I’d be fine but they are, so I’ll have to deal with it!
I’m feeling a bit anxious about the appointment next week, but it has to be done. I have to get myself sorted and hopefully, fingers crossed I will have put on some weight over this coming weekend before I go. Mum is planning a few big meals this weekend so it’s likely.
I wish my head wasn’t such a mess. I’m fed up with arguing with myself over the most stupid things. OH. Something else which pissed me off yesterday. I have a pitta bread with ham and salad for lunch pretty much every day and when I went to buy them yesterday, they’re ‘new and improved’ apparently. When in fact, they just have more calories in them than the last packet I bought. Why do they change things?! I was comfortable with them before and now an absolutely ridiculously small 10-20 calorie difference made me panic! Is that not the most idiotic thing ever? I am more annoyed with the fact that I was annoyed than I was that they’d changed them (if that makes sense?). Any normal person would probably not even notice they had changed but my stupid radar noticed the calorie and fat change straight away. PATHETIC. I know this.
This blog wasn’t meant to be a rant today, because I felt pretty positive when I started writing but never mind. I’ll sign off before I rant any more and leave you with a gorgeous looking cake. Chocolate and Peanut Butter = winner.