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Hmm.  Went to the Doctors this morning, and have returned a bit deflated.  I don’t know why, it’s not like I was expecting miracles or for her to click her fingers and I’d be fine, but can’t help but feel I won’t be getting help any time soon.

It is probably largely my fault, I found it hard to articulate exactly why I was there.  I told her I’d had anorexia about 3 years ago (perhaps should have said ‘have’ anorexia) and was concerned I’d lost some weight recently, and as I don’t own scales I wanted to check my weight and stop any bad habits before they get worse. She asked what habits, I said things like checking packets in supermarkets and cutting down food in the day and then over eating in the evening when people are around.  When asked if I’m still eating regular meals I said yes.  Now, this is not a lie, I do eat regularly, but it’s significantly less than I was and should be eating.  I should have gone into more detail about this maybe, but was hard to say exactly what the problem is without sounding like a complete idiot.

She weighed me and I’ve lost 4kg since I was discharged 3 years ago, and while that might not seem a huge amount, I was still underweight when I left so my BMI is less than healthy.

I told her I’d not really had much contact with anyone since I left hospital and was wondering if I could see a dietitian or somebody.  She said she would fill out a referral form for an eating disorder service, but she seemed to think as it has been ‘caught early’ I won’t be rushed into seeing someone.  She said if it gets any worse in the next few months(?!?!) then to come back and they’ll try and speed up the referral.

So, what now?  It’s a waiting game.  I’m going out shopping today, and that’s one of my sticking points – being out and about over lunch time on my own it’s hard to have the discipline to have lunch.  I pretty much already know what will happen, I’ll go shopping for a short while, then come back home in time for me to have lunch at home.  If I was with somebody it would be absolutely fine, but if there’s an opportunity to cut down I’ll do it, and then just make sure I eat like a pig when my family get back.  Viscous bloody circle.

What I should do, is take the knowledge that I’ve slipped down, and turn that into something positive to spur me on to have a nice lunch out because I bloody need to.  I know when I tell the ‘rents that I’ve been to the Docotors they’ll be pleased, but admitting I’ve lost weight will make them pile my plate even higher than they already do – I think in fact I’ll be needing 2 plates soon.  I feel a bit rubbish now, and it’s not even 10am!  Onwards and upwards.

As it was Halloween yesterday and I didn’t post, how cute are these?!  Three of my favourite things too, cake, chocolate and marshmallow.  Ace.