I’m still in two minds. Some days I look in the mirror and think “bloody hell, you really could do with putting on a few pounds, you’re too skinny”.
Other days, it’s a case of “EURGH look at that cellulite on your thighs! Disgusting! Your thighs are wobbling, they nearly touch in the middle, a few pounds loss would sort that out”.
I know it’s the rational part of my brain which is saying the first thing, and the stupid anorexia on the other half. What makes it more difficult is the fact that I am a lot better than I was. It’s not to say I’m 100% better because I’m definitely not, but compared to where I have been – I’m glowing! In all serious though, I’m not glowing, I just don’t look as bad as I did, but I still don’t look ‘healthy’.
I’ve always been tiny, never ever overweight or even close to it, my whole family is short and slim. I just took it that step further going from slim to damn skinny. Because this has been going on for a few years now, all my friends know me like this – they know me as being this size (some know I was ill, others have no idea) it’s hard to really push myself to gain weight because I fear all they will see is a new, fatter, girl. Deep deep down though, I know they probably wouldn’t talk about “oh, have you seen ****? She’s put on a bit hasn’t she?! Fatty.” they’re nicer people than that! It’s still a stupid unreasonable fear though.
So yesterday, I thought I’d give the gym a miss and do some baking. I made the nicest peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, bloody impressed myself! (Pic below). But still tried to fight against recovery, I ate less than I normally do during the day (knowing I’d be baking), ate one cookie and then gave the rest away to my family and as a gift to a friend. That’s not going to help me gain weight! So today, I’m baking batch number 2, and I’m going to bloody eat more of them because they were actually really really nice and I’m no baker!
There was another reason I restricted my cookie intake though, I was going out for dinner with my friend to a pizza restaurant we love. So I knew I’d be having garlic bread dripping in butter to start, followed by a whole pizza, followed by dessert (I always have dessert, it’s the best bit!) We had a lovely night, and the toffee sundae was yum, as was the remains of my friends chocolate sundae which she couldn’t finish. That’s a really stupid annoying habit of mine, I HATE seeing food left on the plate, I think we were conditioned as children to always finish our dinner so I force myself no matter how full I am to finish mine, and other peoples food (only other people’s puds). Ridiculous. That just makes me feel greedy (which it is, along with quite rude!) and overly full.
Today’s a new day, I’m going to make more cookies and eat them. Although not all, because I’m visiting friends at the weekend and I’ve promised some to them! But then we’re going out for dinner and then for a night out so there will no doubt be a late night takeaway of some kind involved after we’ve drunk too much!
Onwards and upwards in this ridiculous recovery. Oh, and still no work. GRRRR. I want to teach damn it!