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I wish I could sleep!

Whenever I have things on my mind, it seems to wake me up in the middle of the night and I’m finding it hard to drop off again.  Hence why it’s now 2.45am and I’m updating this blog.  (I suppose it’s not all bad, I’ve been very disorganised about writing this so far!)

Went away to see some old friends this weekend, it was so lovely to see them because it had been ages since I had, but it wasn’t without its problems.  One has her own ‘issues’ with food, the other has absolutely no issues whatsoever and will eat anything and everything whenever she likes and I envy her for it!  However, the former, has decided she’s now Vegan which just makes it easier for her to avoid eating anything at all.  Excuses excuses.  They both know about my past (?) eating disorder, and I felt the need to eat like a pig the whole weekend in some feeble attempt to prove I’m ok.  This just meant I spend the entire train journey home (4.5hrs) feeling rotten and greedy and wishing I hadn’t had that 3rd helping of crumble and ice cream, and maybe given that raspberry muffin a miss.  Meh.  On the bright side, it was lovely to see them, it’s difficult living so far away.

Signed up with a recruitment agency yesterday to hopefully get some bloody work.  I’m a teacher, and at the moment there are no jobs.  It’s depressing.  I’m sat at home moping around with no income or motivation so I hope by getting some supply work I’ll be able to get my confidence back and believe that I can teach, I simply can’t stand sitting at home much longer.

Been trying to get to the gym as much as possible, but it’s only on average 3 times a week for 30 mins max.  I just don’t enjoy it :(.  I really thought I’d get into it, and feel better having been and done something but I honestly can’t wait to leave the second I get there.  I get on a machine and immediately think “I could/should be at home with a cup of tea”.  How do people get motivated?  I also have a mental (and physical) block of 5-10 minutes max per machine, with a bit of wandering around in between.  I’m certainly not doing enough to get fit, but feel weak and pathetic when the timer says ‘2 mins 31 seconds’ and I feel like I’m going to die/explode on a machine that’s on level 1 of 25.  Pathetic.

Any words of wisdom for a beginner to exercise?!  Will try and go again tomorrow (if only because I’m busy on Friday daytime, then going out for a meal in the evening where I will inevitably try and out eat people).  Argh.