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It has been absolutely ages since I’ve written on this blog, been a busy bee!  Two weeks on holiday, and then another week away at the Edinburgh Fringe, both of which were absolutely amazing.  Firstly, the holiday.

When we went away, we ate out for 3 meals a day every day, with ice creams galore and it was bloody brilliant.  I had my ‘fearless hat’ on for the holiday, ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and often ate too much just because I felt free to.  (The fact there was a chef cooking pancakes for you at breakfast was a particular downfall of mine!)  Despite eating like an absolute pig throughout the whole holiday, then repeating the experience in Edinburgh during the festival, my family still see a problem with my eating.

The last day of our Edinburgh trip was when it all kicked off because I chose scrambled egg on toast for breakfast instead of a Full English which is what they wanted me to have.  This meant we didn’t speak a word for the remainder of the trip, or for three days after we returned (oh how mature are we).  I understand why they’re concerned, but the things they see as significant really aren’t at all.  They are worried I don’t have enough fat in my diet because I don’t have butter on my toast (jam or honey all the way) and because I don’t like cheese.  What they fail to realise is that I HATE the taste of cheese, hence I try to avoid it if at all possible.  But, I love chocolate, I love cake, I love crumbles or pretty much any dessert, meat, fish, veg, yoghurt, etc etc etc and will eat all of those in abundance so just because I don’t have cheese doesn’t mean there’s no fat in my diet.  Last I heard, chocolate and cakes weren’t fat free unless I’m mistaken?!

No matter how hard I try to prove to myself, and to other people that I’m ok, it just isn’t good enough.  I overeat in front of people to prove a point, that I can eat that much and to try and convince them that I’m fine and to stop worrying but it’s never good enough.  I’ve put on half a stone since my holiday and that’s done nothing to persuade people either.  My jeans don’t fit me anymore, and that’s ok (another excuse for shopping!) so the weight gain isn’t a problem to me, I just want to feel trusted by my family that I can make my own choices and decisions with regards to food and not feel pressurised to prove it all the time.

Well, another blog post with rambling rants, I swear I’m going to start blogging about something interesting soon.  If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom about how to stay afloat during recovery I’d love to hear it!

How nice does this look.  Nom nom nom.  In reality it’s a scone for my pudding tonight, not this beauty.

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