There are a lot of things bothering me at the moment. Almost too many to mention.
- I am struggling with possible relapse (although not actually lost any weight, which makes it seem ‘ok’)
- I have absolutely no social life whatsoever
- I have ostracised most of my friends. Partly due to my lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment, and probably due to my pre-occupation with food/confidence
- Issues with family are playing on my mind. My Mum is showing really worrying signs with her eating, the same signs that finally made it clear I was struggling with anorexia. She’s leaving a lot of her food, skipping meals, cutting out foods she always liked, and the most obvious sign which might as well have neon lights, she’s lost a lot of weight.
- UNEMPLOYMENT! It drives me crazy. I have done enough shitty jobs in my time to not want to go back to the boredom of that, but on the other hand, what is the alternative? I have retrained as a Primary School Teacher, but as jobs are few and far between I am sat twiddling my thumbs with no money coming in which obviously isn’t ideal and I won’t survive off nothing for much longer!
So, in an attempt to address at least one of those points above, I have joined a gym. Now, this may not seem like the most sensible thing to do with my anorexic tendencies, but exercise has never been a part of my issues with food whatsoever. I know a lot of people with eating disorders use exercise to the extreme, to effectively get rid of anything they have eaten and get rid of the guilt. However, I have not done any form of exercise for ten years, and I seem to be getting more and more depressed sat at home doing nothing but think about food, so I need to get out of the house.
The gym is one way to do this I think. I just hope I actually bother to go! I’m used to going nowhere and doing nothing, so it will be a big deal if I actually get up and go. I am worried about the culture of gyms though, it’s something which has always put me off. Either skinny gorgeous girls with pristine hair, or big burly men with rippling muscles. And then there’s me. Small and weak looking (but not, despite my history, “skinny”!), red in the face and sweaty. I can assure you, it won’t be an attractive sight. But I’m going to give it a go. I have my induction this afternoon, and hopefully will pluck up the courage to go fairly regularly. I’m very aware not to overdo it, and if I have a ‘gym session’ (I’m sounding like a pro already!), to make sure I have eaten enough before hand and afterwards to ensure I don’t lose any weight.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate my flabby thighs riddled with cellulite, and I’m not overly keen on the increasing amount of flab on my upper arms, but medically, I am still underweight for my height. Losing weight would be the worst thing to do, I know this. I want to tone, improve my fitness, and increase my confidence more than anything. It will have to be made clear to my family that weight is not the reason I’m doing this, because I know they worry, they always will after what they went through when my anorexia was in full flow, but I’m so much better now than I was then. Not saying I’m 100%, I know I’m not and at the moment, I doubt I ever will be (although I always hope!) but I’m nowhere near where I was way back when.
This is a stupidly long blog post, so I’ll leave it there, I’ve touched on a few issues and I’ll no doubt blab about them in more detail at some point. Here’s to a fresh start. Doing something to take my mind off things, and give me something to do 🙂
And now, I’ll leave you with a photo of my daily pleasure:
A good ol’ scone! It’s an addiction. Really. I HAVE to have one every day, warm with jam (no butter though, I’m not that brave).